Thursday, December 31, 2009

Mustache Discrimination

Published on June 13, 1992
A dozen police officers, bristling over the prospect of being forced to shave their mustaches, have filed suit in US District Court in Boston. Under new regulations, officers with the Metropolitan, Capital, Registry, and state police forces must be clean shaven when the four departments merge under a consolidated Massachusetts Department Of State Police July 1. The mustachioed officers told US District Judge Rya Zobel on Thursday that their facial hair is part of their individuality.
Unfortunately the facial hair ban went through, and the officers still to this very day can't have mustaches. And in a state like Massachusetts were they consider themselves forward thinking progressives. Only in Massachusetts can two men get married and fuck the shit out of each other, but an officer of the law can't even have a masculine mustache.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dennis franz

Most people will recognize Dennis from the hit TV show NYPD Blue, but Dennis is also famous for something else on the other side of the planet.
During the Vietnam War Dennis was drafted and served 11 months in Nam. As if that wasn't impressive enough, one weekend while on leave Dennis set the world record for most Vietnamese mustache rides in a 48 hour period, with a total of 77 ,which is a record that still stands to this day. There is a plaque that still hangs on the wall of the "Saigon Palace" whorehouse to commemorate the weekend. Needless to say it was a great moment in mustache history.

Totally Awesome Diner!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nick Garvey

This is Nick, my neighbor, and no, he doesn't own the house next to me, he still lives with his parents. Nick doesn't like to go out to clubs looking for women, he prefers to sit at home on Friday nights playing World Of Warcraft alone, which is a direct violation of having a mustache, because a mustache's natural instinct is to get pussy. On the second Saturday of every month Nick gets together with his "homies" for Dungeons & Dragons tournaments, which is also another mustache violation. The only reason Nicholas is trying to grow a mustache is because he knows I have a blog, and he's trying to impress me, and though the mustache might look great, Nick still has a lot to learn about the mustache lifestyle.

Monday, December 28, 2009

BCSO: Cocaine falls from man's mustache

ALBUQUERQUE (KRQE) - Deputies say the mustache of an Albuquerque man was white with cocaine during his arrest last Wednesday. Anthony Moya, 41, appeared in court Saturday on his fourth DWI charge. On Dec. 23, Bernalillo County Sheriff's Deputies responded to the call of a woman screaming for help on the 3300 block of Cypress SW. Upon arrival, deputies found the woman and Moya inside his pickup truck. Moya had cocaine powder falling from his mustache and admitted he had recently had a few beers, according to the criminal complaint. He is out on bond. Moya is charged with drug possession, aggravated DWI and tampering with evidence."

Chris VanHuss

This is a hard working mustache, from 9 - 5 Chris breaks his back working concrete, then 4 nights a week he strips at "Wild Dick's Cabaret," and he is also the bookie and odds maker for the local youth kickball league. When this stache isn't putting food on the table he likes to cuddle on the couch with his wife and watch romantic comedies, and there is nothing his wife likes better than to snuggle with this lip sweater on a cold Illinois winter night.

Poll Results

The polls have closed, and it's official, a mustache will help you get laid. Of course all of us here at The Mustache Revival already knew that, but an amazing 57% said their sex lives improved to a 5, on a scale of 1 - 5.
Official results are below.

1. 0%
2. 14%
3. 0%
4. 28%
5. 57%

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Not only is this a great mustache, but I love how the uni-brow accents the stache. After discovering this picture I have decided that I love uni-brow's because it's like a mustache for your eyes. Oh and check out the hair on this dude's knuckles, amazing.
Look who's trying out a holiday mustache of her own, that disgusting skank Madonna, and speaking of Madonna and hair, do you remember when her armpits used to have mustaches?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Mustache Propaganda

Eric Clapton

Legend has it that more blow has passed through these whiskers than any other mustache in history. Multiple reports have come out from women stating that when they rode Clapton's mustache their entire torso went numb from the coke residue in the stache. Inside sources also claim that Clapton was so zooted when he wrote "Layla" that the song was originally 17 verses and clocked in at over 44 minutes, and he wrote the song in 45 minutes, with the extra minute being a 1 minute break to pound down a few lines of sweet booger sugar. Obviously Clapton is not suffering any health problems associated with long term drug abuse because of his mustache, even thought he frequently used cocaine in the '70s, '80s, '90s, and probably even this morning.

Mustache vs. X-mas Cookie

It looks like Sideburns Jackson's mustache got in a scuffle with a Christmas cookie last night, and the winner was his wife who got to lick the frosting out of that amazing stache whisker by whisker.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Danny McDonald

Despite the authentic look this picture was not taken 25 years ago, it was taken yesterday. This is my cousin and faithful mustache disciple of 16 years, Danny McDonald. Predictably this stache pulls ass every weekend when the local Van Halen cover band plays, but this mustache doesn't spend all it's time getting groomed and seducing ladies. This mustache likes to frequent his neighborhood pool hall, work on his '87 Camaro, and I even caught this mustache with it's whiskers wrapped around one of my aunt's vibrators when we were 13 years old, (yes he has been able to grow that thing since he was 13.) Anyway, he said he was just doing it because it "tickled his tongue," but to this day I still don't believe him.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Frank Beard

Frank Beard is commonly known as 'the other guy in ZZ Top,' and ironically enough he is the only member of the band without a ridiculous beard. For the other two members of ZZ Top the beards were a great gimmick and got the band noticed, but Frank knew if he really wanted to slay some out of control 80's bush, a mustache would be much more effective than a stupid chest length beard. Even today that sweet stache is paying dividends, as his band mates spend a good portion of their nights cleaning bbq sauce and chili out of their outrageous beards, leaving Frank plenty of time to seal the deal with their smokin' hot groupies. In his pre-mustache days Frank sang back-up vocals in ZZ Top, but one night soon after growing his patch of lip pubes, and after 4 bottles of Jack Daniels and 7 grams of cocaine, Frank was feeling invincible and invited a 300+ pounder to enjoy a mustache ride. Three minutes later Frank was being rushed to the emergency room with a crushed larynx and his singing career was over.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Gene Shalit

Gene Shalit, book and film critic for NBC's The Today Show, and master of the 'I don't wanna get laid' stache. Normally when a man grows a mustache he is guaranteed immediate sex appeal, but with Shalit he took the mustache and went in the complete opposite direction. His bio on says he lives in Massachusetts with his cat, what a surprise. Some women are down with colorful bow ties, some women like messy jew-fro's, and some women even enjoy big glasses, but no women on earth likes all 3 combined. This mustache can be hard to look at, but since I would never excuse mustache discrimination I will shut my mouth.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Mustache Mike Slavinski

Obviously Mike is a mustache enthusiast, and lip hair devotee, but he is also a swap meet connoisseur. When this mustache is not being worshipped by soccer mom's with a 'Spinal Tap' fetish, it is playing lead accordion in the progressive polka band, Fuzzy Cousin. This mustache also has more children out of wedlock than any other musician on the entire Southern Canadian Polka Circuit, and he has 2 more on the way, that he knows of. The child support payments are devastating financially, but it's a small price to pay for upper lip freedom.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Martin Luther King, Jr's Real Dream

Martin Luther King Jr's real dream was that one day his children would live in a world where they would be judged by their upper lip follicles and not by the content of their character, or the color of their skin. Only those closest to Martin knew that his true passion was mustache advocacy, but it was a volatile time in American history with the African-American community engaged in the civil rights movement. Martin knew it was not a proper time to preach about mustache rights, but Dr. King had a well developed plan, that included a full on mustache advocate blitz once civil rights were established for all blacks. After all if a man of any race or color can vote, then why shouldn't that man be able to let his upper lip flourish with out fear of discrimination. Yes, Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream and a plan, and then that asshole James Earl Ray had to come along and mess everything up.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sonny "Howlin' Wolf" Mercer

This mustache has been on some wild rides, as Sonny is a founding member of the Hells Angels, free-lance carpenter, and a renegade florist. "Howlin' Wolf" has spent 27 years in prison on 3 separate occasions, for burglary, extortion, and drug trafficking respectively. He is also rumored to be responsible for at least one of the four fan deaths at the 1969 Rolling Stones concert at Altamont Speedway.
To this day Sonny and his vicious stache are still chasing tail and dealing vicodin and viagra in The Montessa Retirement Community in Gold Canyon Arizona.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Holiday Mustache Challenge

As revival nation can now see, we have a new contestant for the holiday mustache challenge. Frank Von Schmidtz and his mustache have been heralded throughout central Illinois for being one of the most lethal banjo players and amateur gynecologists in all of the world. Von Schmidtz is commonly known as a gunsmith, moonshine bootlegger, and running one of the most ruthless antique coffee table cartels in all the biblebelt. This stache has seen more ass than a toilet seat. Just think about it -- do you have any idea how many post-menopausal women go through antique furniture shops in a single day? I rest my case.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Mike Ditka

Iron Mike is widely known as the old school, no non-sense football coach, and many women consider him the Greek god of upper lip hair, but this post is about his rarely documented, but highly controversial mustache grooming techniques. His techniques are considered unique by his admirers and bizarre by his adversaries. It is the sole reason for his divorce from his first wife, and Mike went to great lengths to keep his grooming procedures a secret for fear that it might tarnish his tough guy image.

It all started in 1986, the year The Chicago Bears won Super Bowl XX, and Mike frequently went to Asian massage parlors for 'legitimate' massages. When one day Mike was offered a lip sweater trim by an underage Asian girl in pigtails. After that first mustache trim the Bears went on to win 7 of their next 8 games including a Super Bowl victory. 'Da Coach' is a very superstitious man and truly believed that his great mustache trim was the reason for the bears winning streak. So to this day Mike only gets his mustache trimmed by underage Asian girls in pigtails, ID required ladies.

Poll Results

The polls have closed, and mustache lovers are split on whether it is acceptable for a person to dye their mustache, as long as he or she is not in the circus.
Official Results:
Yes 50%
No 50%
Circus 0%

Sunday, December 6, 2009

David Crosby

Rock God David Crosby has spent years creating some of the best classic rock with the Byrds and rock supergroup, Crosby Stills Nash. While his mustache and 'southern cross' are great compliments, some of Crosby's off-stage tribulations supplement his mustache best. In addition to standard drug-possession charges which inevitably follow rockers, Crosby spent 11 months in Texas prisons where his mustache was said to have been unwillingly exposed to an onslaught of convicts' rectums and ballbags. Adding to his criminal record were numerous offenses of drunk driving (one of which lead to a hit and run accident. the other a collision with a fence in a California suburb where officers found him in possession of -- you guessed it, a .45 caliber pistol and an ounce of tweed.)

As if his mustaches' criminal record werent enough to win him a reality show, Crosby also impregnated fellow Rock Goddess and lesbian, Melissa Etheridge, via artificial insemination. It was rumored that Melissa lobbied for his penis yet cooler heads prevailed and Crosby merely donated his sperm, and with it, superior mustache genetics.

Turkey Trot 2009

While the event was more than a week ago, I have been too emotionally and physically vulnerable to document this moment in mustache history. Prior to Turkey Trot 2009 my only experience with running has been with diarrhea and the photo finishes to relinquish my bowels after a long night of drinking with stuart. But after growing my stache, it helped me persevere in a manner unrivaled in all my life. With the help from my mustache I was able to run a half marathon prior to consuming copious amounts of turkey and yams just hours later. Well, maybe not a half marathon -- but it was two of the most brutal miles Ive experienced in my life.

Did I nearly collapse? Yes. Did I shit my pants? Yes. But neither of which can be considered the mustaches fault. In fact, if it weren't for this sweet duster I might never've reached the starting line.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holiday Mustache Challenge Update

Clark Gable

This is the mustache your grandmother dreamed of riding as a young woman.

Holiday Mustache

The holiday cheer is really spreading now, as Julio Bigote could not resist the urge to tell the world about his great holiday stache. Since growing this masculine specimen Julio is undefeated in the log rolling competition at the Lumberjack World Championship Games. And we all know how the ladies flock to a world champion log roller.

Holiday Mustache

Holiday mustaches are contagious, and it looks like Duster is fully embracing his upper lip symptoms. Not only was this mustache Gurt Lamberstein's roommate in college, but Duster is a 3 time defending competitive drinking champion. This sweet lip sweater also gives soccer lessons on the side to single ladies to pay for the expensive grooming products it takes to keep it looking so stunning. Great Job Duster!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Most of you know Albert Einstein for his advances in physics, but the majority of people don't know his mustache was also irresistible to women, it was so appealing in fact that his own cousin could not resist the temptation. After years of begging and pleading at annual family reunions Albert finally gave in and let his cousin, Elsa, ride his world famous lip locks. Elsa found the mustache ride so intoxicating that she later persuaded Albert to marry her, so she could have a lifetime of cousin on cousin mustache riding action. Elsa rode Einstein's mustache so frequently that she died of kidney complications caused by too much pelvis on lip grinding.