Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Chan Sung Kim

Chan Sung grew up on a fishing boat off the island of Baengnyeong until he was 15 years old, right around the time he had his first encounter with a pornographic movie. After his experience with porn Chan Sung knew he didn't want to be a fisherman his whole life, he wanted to make money with his genitals. So Chan Sung grew a mustache and set off for the mainland, and eventually made his way to Japan where he scored his first gig. After several years of plowing through hot white chicks, Chan Sung tried a fetish film, and found there to be a lot more money in fetish movies. So he started his own company in which he directed, produced, and starred in movies of skinny Asian guys banging morbidly obese black women. The fetish business was so lucrative that Chan Sung bought a house in the Hollywood Hills right next to Michael Douglas and frequently attends his swinger parties.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Swedish Progressive Death Metal Mustaches

I think it is obvious which two guys in the band get all the groupies.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dan 'The Beast' Severn

All through out high school Dan had a steady girlfriend and a mustache, and the day before graduation Dan made the reckless move of shaving his upper lip. Once his girlfriend saw his bare lip she instantly broke it off. With his heart broken and depression setting in Dan decided to go on a spiritual journey where he ended up in Tibet living with Buddhist Monks learning the ancient martial art of Lama Pai. After several years with the monks Dan realized that religion is bull shit and the true path to salvation lies in a mustache. So Dan grew back his trusted nose neighbor and headed back to the states, where he started a career in mixed martial arts. Dan went 44-0 and eventually became the UFC heavyweight champion, before he gave that all up to do underground bare knuckle fighting, because "that UFC shit is for pussies."

Tupac Shakur

Most people know Tupac and his mustache dominated the 90's gansta rap scene, smoking Newport cigarettes, taking bullets, and spitting mad rhymes, but it is not so common knowledge that just days before Tupac was gunned down in Las Vegas he traded in his trademark mustache for the trendy goatee, and we all know how that worked out for him.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Edward Newman

Eddie spent his formidable years in the West Oklahoma Juvenile Detention Center, for stealing a bunch of whiskey and crashing him grandmas car into his middle school during a PTA meeting. It was here that he grew his first mustache and quickly realized that it is pretty damn hard to get laid in jail (by a woman), so Eddie straightened up his act and got his GED. Upon his release Eddie and his nose neighbor enrolled in the architecture program at Wyoming State University. After graduation Eddie scored a multi-million dollar freelance job designing the Patronas Towers in Malaysia. After the project was complete Eddie took his money in cash to Peru and hasn't been heard from since 1998.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bob Dylan

"My mustache isn't just facial hair, it's my lifestyle" - Bon Dylan

Monday, August 16, 2010

Frank Harvin

After suffering a severe groin injury from his priest while serving as an alter boy, Frank realized he would never be able to pursue his life long dream of being a male belly dancer. With his dreams and hopes dashed away from him, Frank fell into a deep depression, and didn't leave his parents basement for several years, until one day he had a euphoric vision from the mustache gods. Frank immediately grew a lip sweater, instantly got his confidence back, sued the catholic church, and now spends his restitution payments on Michelob Ultra and mustache paraphernalia.

The Evolution Of One Man's Upper Lip

Dr. Martin Scalzberg, French history professor, big game hunter, organic mustache wax purist, and mustache enthusiast since 1984.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Crazy Randy

I came across this picture the other day when I was helping a friend move. He said it's a picture of his uncle, Randy, from 1971 when he was a certified bad ass running cheap meth for the Hells Angels, before he went to prison and converted to Islam. Once out of prison Randy went on to invent a Muslim prayer carpet laced with Teflon, making it the worlds most durable and easy to clean prayer pad, and quickly became a favorite of insurgents around the world.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Patrick Neal

I ran into this mustache last Saturday night at Babe's Sports Bar in East Mesa. Patrick told me he was there just to enjoy the UFC fights, but couldn't because of all the attention his mustache was getting from the ladies. I politely told him he better get used to it, because having a mustache is like carrying around a trophy at all times.

Rod Beck

Because of his rotund appearance most people assumed Rod Beck fueled his upper lip follicles with Coors Light and potato chips. Well, those people are wrong, and Rod's mustache was actually a natural solar panel, creating more energy in one hour than Rod's body used in an entire day attributing to his doughy exterior. Sick and tired of being called fat and a slob his entire mustached life Rod recklessly shaved his upper lip on June 22, 2007 and was tragically found dead in his Phoenix Arizona home on June 23, 2007.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


I met GQ on a recent trip to Greece. He is originally from Northeast L.A., but his love of house music brought him to Latvia, where he is one of the countries biggest DJ's. When GQ isn't on the 1's & 2's he enjoys pickled mushrooms, Xanax, and giving Grey Goose showers to underage women.

Jules Winfield

Jules was born behind a cardboard box factory during his Mom's smoke break, and lived a life of poverty until he grew his first mustache at the age of 14 and promptly moved in with his porn star girlfriend. Jules' mustache spent the next 8 years working porn security detail, and eventually set up his own porn security cartel. The business was so lucrative that Jules had enough money to start his own line of mustache waxes that are resistant to sweat and other bodily fluids, which quickly became the worlds most recognizable and number one selling brand. With Jules bank account swelling he was finally able to realize his life long dream of designing women's sunglasses.

Monday, August 2, 2010


Gandhi's nose neighbor was the spiritual leader of India during the Indian independence movement, and is the pioneer of non-violent resistance which inspired civil rights movements all across the world. Gandhi's lip sweater also monopolized all the decent smelling women in South India, which didn't sit well with some bare lipped men in the region, and as a result got Gandhi assassinated.