Jack Lambert

Jack Lambert's mustache is widely recognized as the best middle linebacker in NFL history. Jack always prided himself on the strength on his lip follicles, and as a result one night after countless bottles of cheap vodka, and endless handfuls of vicodin Jack challenged the fattest women in Pennsylvania to a mustache ride. Although the mustache is considered one of the strongest ever, it buckled under the immense pressure and Jack lost his 4 front teeth.

Heavy Metal Mustache

The real reason Ozzy was kicked out of Black Sabbath was because he was a bare lipped freak.

Don't ask, don't tell mustache

Marcus Shubert and his mustache spent 4 years in the Navy travelling the South Pacific on a carrier. This mustache was a hard working, blue blooded, American sailor, but when his shift ended Marcus liked to rub scented oils all over himself, put on a cardigan, and prance around the ship. After he had served his time and was discharged, Marcus and his flamboyant nose neighbor fled to San Fransisco and were never heard from again.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Free steroids, free STD's, and free mustache wax, these are the things The Junk Yard Dog (JYD) was accustomed to, living the lifestyle of a mustached wrestling superstar. Then in a bizarre chain of events JYD shaved his entire body, including upper lip and buttocks, got strung out on energy drinks, and led the Gila River Indian Reservation Police on a low speed off road chase in a Mazda Miata, and then when JYD got out of jail on bail he disappeared, literally, mafia style.

"With great mustache comes great responsibility"

Nobody knows this better than Antonio Banuelos, who was the victim of a mustache jealousy hate crime. Antonio almost lost his left eye, when he was attacked on the mean streets of Queen Creek, AZ by a group of extremely mustache envious men wielding a weed eater, and stapler. Yet even after his horrific incident Antonio refused to shave his upper lip, because "with great mustache comes great responsibility."

Southern Idol Mustache

Richard petty and his mustache are worshipped by 4/5 of the population who reside South of the Mason-Dixon Line. At the opening ceremony of every monster truck rally in Alabama all patrons must pledge allegiance to this mustache. This mustache was not only fast on the race track, but also very fast in cheap motel rooms, in fact this mustache is single handedly responsible for doubling the number of bastard trailer park children in Kentucky from 1964 - 1968.

Rumba King

Xavier Cugat and his sweet mustache are largely responsible for popularizing Latin music in North America. Although Xavier was a conservative man he did not believe in a monogamous mustache ride, which led him to be married to 5 different women in his life time. He even gave that annoying bitch Charo an aggressively world famous mustache ride in 1969, in which she severely jumbled her spinal alignment and still suffers from back pain to this very day.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Ravishing Rick Rude traveled the world seducing ladies with the WWF from 1987 thru 1990. He was banging some of the nastiest wrestling groupies the world had to offer and never got an STD because of the protection his upper lip companion provided. Then on a warm summer night in 1990 he spontaneously shaved his mustache and the next time he slept with a trailer park whore he got genital warts, and the first time he shot up steroids post mustache he overdosed and died.

Tito "The Huntington Beach Bitch Boy" Ortiz

Most folks recognize Tito as a former UFC champion who hasn't won a fight in over 3 years, but what most people don't know is how he got into fighting.

As a youth in Huntington Beach Tito was always in trouble with the law shoplifting, drug possession, you name it, then right after he turned 18 Tito thought it would be a good idea to steal a car to impress a girl. That idea got him into the California state prison system, where Tito was regularly beaten and raped. Finally one day he got sick of getting his ass pounded, literally, so Tito grew a mustache, started lifting weights, learned how to fight, and the rest is history.

I just found my new favorite mustache!

I fell in love with this mustache at first sight. Maybe it is the cute little angry guy this mustache is on, maybe it's the fact that he surrounded himself with a dude who is super committed to the David Lee Roth look, maybe it's the awesome way he accessorized that sweet nose neighbor. I'm not really sure what it is, but I'm in love, and I can guarantee that this mustache is with all those ladies in the back round, and I can also guarantee all those ladies are gonna ride that marvelous specimen.

Major League Mustache Discrimination

Boston Red Sox first basemen Kevin Youkilis recently told weei.com's Alex Speier that Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada's mustache was "disgusting," so I am calling on the baseball gods and the mustache gods to end this injustice and condemn Youkilis with a career ending injury by the end of spring training, or at the very least have a gang of mustached renegades hold Youkilis down and shave his stupid trendy goatee into a sweet mustache.

Mustache Insurance Policy

This is Merv Hughes,(us hardcore cricket fans already knew that) he is a former Australian fast-bowler, but who the hell cares about his illustrious professional sports career. Merv knows what's really important, and that is his mustache, fuck the wife and kids! Which is precisely why he took out a $370,000 insurance policy on his famous lip sweater. So now if an overweight swamp donkey cripples his majestic specimen, or if his upper lip gets in a fight with a razor he won't be forced to live on the streets with a bare upper lip.

Army Mustaches

Oddly enough, I actually do feel safer knowing that these mustaches are defending our country.
And speaking of Army mustaches, as a kid I always imagined my "little green Army men" had mustaches. Except "metal detector guy" and "backpack telephone guy" it seems like when everyone else was trying to kill "charlie" those two guys had better things to do, so they definitely didn't have mustaches. "Prone sniper guy" (second row far left) had a mustache so glorious that it would even make Hulk Hogan jealous, well at least in my 6 year old make believe world.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Years of abusing steroids and booze would kill an ordinary man, but not The Iron Sheik. The Sheik has survived and endured 27 years of addiction because of his loyal upper lip companion. The Sheik even credits his relief from chronic back pain to his mustache. Sure he may now be over weight, and gets drunk and pisses his pants in public, but at least he's still alive, and still has his trademark life saving mustache.

Honestly Axl?

Since disbanding the original Guns N' Roses in 1994, Axl Rose has struggled to remain relevant. Unable to release the fabled "Chinese Democracy" album and having futilely tried to tour, he had almost completely given up hope on his dreams, but Axl is pulling out his one last ace in the hole. A mustache.

Steve Prefontaine

You probably know "Pre" for helping bring running into the mainstream in the 1970's, but what most people don't know is that before he grew that amazing mustache he was morbidly obese, and would run out of energy just walking from his favorite recliner to the refrigerator. Almost instantly after growing that impressive specimen he dropped 275 lbs and began getting laid constantly. Then unexpectedly on May 30th, 1975 Steve shaved his mustache. Immediately after shaving he had an insatiable urge for a Triple Whopper from Burger King, and on his way to Burger King Steve rolled his MGB convertible and was crushed to death.

Child Molester Stache?

This is Bernie Goldstein, he was my camp counselor at Sugar Creek Summer Camp in 1987. Back then I thought nothing of it, but looking back at the photos from that summer, I wonder if this guy should have been supervising little boys out in the middle of nowhere.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Wrestling Legend Jake "The Snake" Roberts was on top of the world in 1988 without any apparent skill because of his mullet and mustache combo that the ladies found absolutely stunning. Then in 2001 after 13 years of drug abuse and scumming around trailer parks this mustache simply disappeared without a trace... Oh how I yearn to see this mustache again in all it spandex glory.

RIP: David "The Animal" Paterson

David "The Animal" Paterson came out of the womb with this lip sweater many years ago, and was raised by wild badgers, who taught him the art of kung fu. When he turned 14 the badger colony sent him out on his own to become a man. On his journey David stumbled upon a strip club, where his mustache became employed as a bouncer. While bouncing at the the "gentlemen's club" David met a nice Canadian girl named Michelle. He instantly took Michelle to Las Vegas and made her his wife, and immediately after the wedding ceremony he was hit by a tour bus and died.

Justin Millin

This is Justin Millin, he lives 2 streets over from me and loves remote control cars. Just about 2 weeks ago Justin kicked his wife out of the house (because she didn't respect the mustache, or so he says), anyway in those 2 weeks Justin has had at least 8 different swamp donkeys spend the night. I have to conclude that the ladies find his mustache irresistible, and they are not attracted to Justin because of a mutual love for remotely controlled automobile toys.

Do You Recognize This Mustache?

You may not be acquainted with this man without his signature horn-rimmed glasses, and usually naked upper lip, but this mustache has sold over 8 million records in the U.S., is an expert at the sacred art of the Asian mustache ride, and graduated Phi Beta Kappa at Harvard University. If this mustache still has you puzzled just click here.

The Enforcer Mustache

Fresh off the Olympic gold medal hockey game, I present you with George Parros (not an Olympian) of the Anaheim Ducks, my favorite hockey mustache. I'm not head over heels for this mustache because of it's gracefulness on the ice, but because it know for kicking some serious ass. As is evident in the video below, it is never a good idea to pick a fight with a mustache, and especially not when thousands of people are watching. This mustache drops his opponent with a beautiful upper cut, and crushes him with a follow up ground punch that would make Dan Henderson proud. I bet this mustache dates a super model.