Mustache Signs $28 Million Contract

Last season Texas Rangers pitcher Derek Holland's career was in a slump, starting the season 6-4 with a 5.10 ERA. To turn things around Derek tried several things like changing his warm up routine, not washing his not so lucky jock strap, and even giving up internet porn, but nothing could help Derek turn the corner out of his terrible slump, so as one last effort to save his career Derek decided to grow a tried and true lip rug. After setting his upper lip free from the tyranny of a razor, Derek finished the season 10-1 with a 2.77 ERA, and was awarded a $28 million contract yesterday because of it.

Great Mustache Quotes

"Since 99.362% of women love mustache rides, it seems only a fool would have a bare upper lip." - Albert Einstein

President William Howard Taft

President Taft was the first president to be provided with full time 24 hour Secret Service security. The additional protection was furnished strictly for the safety and well being of the President's mustache. In fact Taft's Vice President James Sherman's sole job was mustache quality control, ensuring Taft's nose neighbor was always neatly trimmed, perfectly combed, and most importantly free of cookies crumbs, because President Taft had an incurable obsession with peanut butter and coconut cookies.

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery were on the fast track to rock n roll stardom, opening up for Ted Nugent's 1973 world tour, and giving ladies of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions international mustache rides. They were living the life a bare lipped man could only dream of, then suddenly after 37 straight hours in a Hungarian opium den, the stupid Turds let some overly eager female fans vandalize their upper lips with a razor. Within minutes of the upper lip offense Hungarian police kicked in the door of the opium den, and took the Turds directly to prison, where the have been held for over 38 years without so much as a single phone call to their loved ones.

Friendly Reminder

Although it is common knowledge that a mustache helps prevent chapped lips, it cannot overcome this horrendous medical condition on it's own. Proper lip care is tantamount to good mustache grooming, because of all the extra attention a mustache brings to your lip area. The first thought that goes threw 9 out of 10 women's minds when they first catch a glimpse of a masculine mustache is "I wounder if I could ride that thing for 8 seconds," and keep it that way, instead of having that group of vixens you occasionally see at the liquor store snicker about your hairy alligator lips.