Valentine's Day

Don't get me wrong I know all mustache rides are special, but there is just something extra special about a valentine's day mustache ride. Maybe it is the anticipation from watching my wife cook me a pesto chicken penne dinner in nothing, but black lingerie, which can be an experience of ecstasy, as long as you can drowned out the noise of screaming kids who are high as hell off of sugar and other artificial sweeteners from the copious amount of candy they have ate, or maybe it was just the full bottle of champagne my wife drank, either way it was a happy valentine's day for me.

Apple Pie

To show her appreciation for my sub-nasal fur coat, my wife made me this homemade apple pie yesterday, while I sat on the couch, drank beer, and watched football. After indulging in this delicious pie, she also cleaned my sticky whiskers with an organic mustache shampoo, followed that up with a deep conditioning treatment, and then she topped it all off with a lap-dance, all in appreciation for my manly lip sweater.

John Jacob Schmidt

This mustache paid for it's Princeton education by wrestling alligators at night, until he was drafted after Pearl Harbor. After the Normandy Invasion, he met a French model, and once the war ended they moved to Barbados together and opened up a snorkeling outfitter.

Roger Snow

I met Roger on a recent fishing trip in the White Mountains. He told me he was a long haul trucker, who escorted NASCAR great Jeff Gordon around the country for 11 years, before he was fired out of jealousy, because his mustache pulled more tail than Gordon. Roger's next career move was hauling loads for the Barnum-Bailey Circus, where he met the love of his life, The Bearded Lady. The two were married 3 days later, and as they were taking off for their honeymoon Roger backed his 18 wheeler over her, grinding her whiskers into the pavement and killing her. Roger said he and his mustache now live up in the mountains, isolated, and living off the land for fear of ever hurting the ones they love again.

Matt Mortigan

Matt has a degree in computer science from ASU, his own house, a 70" plasma with surround sound, an almost new Mercedes ML320 , and a steady job at Intel. The only thing Matt didn't have was a women to share it all with. So about 9 months ago Matt ran me down when he saw me in my front yard watering my lantanas, and asked for a little advice. I told him there was only one thing he could do, and that was to grow a mustache. I didn't see Matt again until last night when he ran me down in my front yard, and with a prideful mustache handed me an invitation to his wedding.