Justin Millin

This is Justin Millin, he lives 2 streets over from me and loves remote control cars. Just about 2 weeks ago Justin kicked his wife out of the house (because she didn't respect the mustache, or so he says), anyway in those 2 weeks Justin has had at least 8 different swamp donkeys spend the night. I have to conclude that the ladies find his mustache irresistible, and they are not attracted to Justin because of a mutual love for remotely controlled automobile toys.

Do You Recognize This Mustache?

You may not be acquainted with this man without his signature horn-rimmed glasses, and usually naked upper lip, but this mustache has sold over 8 million records in the U.S., is an expert at the sacred art of the Asian mustache ride, and graduated Phi Beta Kappa at Harvard University. If this mustache still has you puzzled just click here.

The Enforcer Mustache

Fresh off the Olympic gold medal hockey game, I present you with George Parros (not an Olympian) of the Anaheim Ducks, my favorite hockey mustache. I'm not head over heels for this mustache because of it's gracefulness on the ice, but because it know for kicking some serious ass. As is evident in the video below, it is never a good idea to pick a fight with a mustache, and especially not when thousands of people are watching. This mustache drops his opponent with a beautiful upper cut, and crushes him with a follow up ground punch that would make Dan Henderson proud. I bet this mustache dates a super model.

Mustached Action Figure

Finally, a real hero the kids can look up to. The mustached luchador champion with male pattern baldness action figure!

This is my friend's neighbor, Robbie Reynolds, and his mustache on vacation in Rosarito. I have no clue how he can afford a vacation since this mustache is very proficient at avoiding employment, and getting drunk. It must be a trust fund mustache.

Physically Dominate Mustache

Sergio Cruz and his mustache have been dominating the local South East Valley table tennis scene for years now. Not only is this mustache and comb over combination spectacular, but it's table tennis skills are virtually unstoppable. After this mustache won The Fall 2009 Queen Creek Open table tennis tournament, it went skinny dipping with all 3 table tennis groupies in the state of Arizona.

Anti-semitic Mustache

There is a lot of anti-semitism going around the middle east, but Mahmoud al-Mabhouh put his money where his mustache was. These whiskers were a founding member of the military wing of the extremist group Hamas, and were largely responsible for the smuggling of weapons and explosives into Gaza. On January 19th the Israeli government finally got sick and tired of this dangerous mustache, and followed it from Damascus, Syria all the way to Dubai where 4 assassins entered the mustaches hotel room, and knowing that 4 average men could never take out a single mustache, they first paralyzed the mustache via electric shock and then mercifully suffocated the immobile mustache.

Alvin Sloan

This is Alvin Sloan, my in-laws neighbor, and he is exhibiting the most sexually adventurous mustache I have seen in awhile. My wife's parents are constantly complaining about the loud obnoxious women he has in his pool late at night, and we all know these ladies are not there because of his sweet 1986 Honda Accord, or his stunning good looks. They are there for one reason and one reason only, a drunken late night ride on his red handle bars.

Mr. Rooney

Mr. Rooney, my high school chemistry teacher, has been harnessing the power of the mustache to seduce underage girls despite his receding hairline and love for turtle necks since at least 1997. I personally observed him render a young girl helpless in the halls during class in 1999, when he thought no one was looking. As he approached the unsuspecting victim he spoke to her in a comforting yet firm tone of voice, and with a few quick maneuvers of his upper lip, she was running full speed to his office. A few minutes later a I saw her leaving Mr. Rooney's office with her hair all messed up, and her shirt full of wrinkles. As I went to give Rooney a congratulatory high five, I realized the young girl was my girlfriend!

St. Louis Hulk Hogan Mustache Festival

Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, and Hulk Hogan will be holding the first annual "Hogan Fu-Fest" on February 26th at 2 p.m. CT (that's next Friday!) at Mike Shannon's Steak and Seafood on Market Street in St. Louis. At the "Fu-Fest" Hogan and TNA will be attempting to set a world record for the most Fu Manchu's in one place at the same time. TNA will be handing out fake mustaches for the follically challenged, and the women who attend the event.

Ringside tickets for "TNA Lockdown" on Sunday April 18th at the Family Arena in St. Charles will be awarded to the most unique or original Fu Manchu's.

And of course Hulk Hogan himself will be on hand to flaunt his masculine specimen and terrorize the ladies.