Mustache Journey

I recently returned from a two week sacred retreat deep in the San Juan mountains with spiritual advisor Kapoor Patel to revitalize mind, spirit, and upper lip. He taught that the true essence of the mustache comes from deep within, and no matter the conditioner, wax, or grooming techniques a mustache will not prosper unless it comes from the soul. He also reiterated that a mustache is not a fashion statement, or a tool used to pull tail, but it is a life-style.

Aaron Rodgers New Mustache

It looks like Mr. Rodgers has grown another amazing mustache this preseason, only this specimen is much more masculine than the 2010 version, so much more masculine in fact that the mustache has got it's own Twitter handle, and recently tweeted that it's going to kick Jay Cutler's ass.

Martin 'Hot Sauce' Miller

Martin grew up in Croatia as a clam farmer, but after growing his amazing mustache at the age of 9, he feared his facial hair would permanently stink of fish rot, so he fled the family farm and hitch hiked across the Atlantic where he ended up in northern Minnesota working as a lumber jack, until he fell in love with the son of a baptist preacher. Together they fled to San Francisco, where they opened the world's first poodle grooming parlor in 1893, and lived happily ever after.

Crazy Cat Lady Loves Mustache Rides (and beef jerky)

So, there is a creepy eccentric old widow that lives at the end of my block, you know the type that puts out way too many decorations for every holiday, and has about 8 cats. Well, one day last week my brother in-law was over helping me trim my palm trees, when one of Mrs. Litterbox's cats fell down the storm drain on my street, without hesitation my brother's mustache jumped into action and retrieved the scared little kitten from it's underground prison. Cat lady was so thankful that she insisted she somehow pay my brother in-law back. After some coercion, she managed to get him insider her house, which he reported was stocked full of cat food and beef jerky, and smelled of week old cat shit. Once inside she told him she just couldn't resist a heroic mustache and threw herself at him. With a few moves that would make Kobe Bryant proud, he was able to make it out of cat hell unscathed, but now every time he drives by her house she points to her upper lip, and thrusts her pelvis vigorously, just to let him know that some day she will get that elusive mustache ride.