Mustache Signs $28 Million Contract

Last season Texas Rangers pitcher Derek Holland's career was in a slump, starting the season 6-4 with a 5.10 ERA. To turn things around Derek tried several things like changing his warm up routine, not washing his not so lucky jock strap, and even giving up internet porn, but nothing could help Derek turn the corner out of his terrible slump, so as one last effort to save his career Derek decided to grow a tried and true lip rug. After setting his upper lip free from the tyranny of a razor, Derek finished the season 10-1 with a 2.77 ERA, and was awarded a $28 million contract yesterday because of it.

Jeremy Lin

By now everyone on earth has heard about Linsanity, but not everyone knows the reason behind Jeremy Lin's success. It's not hard work, determination, or his ability to overcome stereotypes, no the real reason behind Linsanity is New York Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni's mustache and his dedication to the upper lip movement. After all D'Antoni has been faithfully growing his nose neighbor since before the shot clock era.

Roy Buckley

Roy is a quiet man who lets his lip rug do the talking on the bowling lanes. He took the PBA tour by storm in 1971 by bowling back to back 300 games in The Chargin Falls PBA Regional Tournament, but Roy gave up the professional bowling lifestyle in 1982, so his mustache could devote it's full time to preying on the women that come into the pro shop he owns in Columbus Ohio.

Joe Frazier

This mustache beat Muhammad Ali in "The Fight of The Century," won an Olympic gold medal, and cut off his own toe with a lawn mower.

Harold Snepsts

Harold may not look like a professional caliber athlete, but his mustache was an NHL mainstay for 17 years. He instantly became a fan favorite when he was drafted by the Vancouver Canucks in 1974, because of his blue-collar defensive play and his mustache's like able personality. Then in 1991 Harold's lifelong propensity for strong booze and Asian women got the best of him when he quit playing hockey, packed up his moonshine still, and took off for the small Indonesian island of Lombok, and has never been heard from since. 

Aaron Rodgers New Mustache

It looks like Mr. Rodgers has grown another amazing mustache this preseason, only this specimen is much more masculine than the 2010 version, so much more masculine in fact that the mustache has got it's own Twitter handle, and recently tweeted that it's going to kick Jay Cutler's ass.

Doug Quelland

Doug and his masculine lip rug played minor league baseball in Reno during the 70's, until he had a career ending hot tub injury, so he packed up his mustache wax and headed to Phoenix, and opened up a prosperous chain of Asian taco stands before throwing his hat into the political ring. With the support of his mustache on the campaign trail Doug easily won a seat in the Arizona state legislature, and had a very successful political career until he was ousted for clean elections violations.

UFC Mustache (Update)

Just as I predicted Matt's new mustache came through Sunday night with a 2nd round knock out, tripling my life savings, and finally allowing me to afford to take my wife on an extra special date to Freddy's Frozen Custard.

UFC Mustache

It appears that UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione has grown a mustache for his fight this Sunday against Christian Morecraft. The new mustache pretty much guarantees him a victory in the cage, so I am immediately heading to my local sports book and putting my life savings on his mustache to win.

God Loves Arkansas

I recently came across the website arkansassports360.com because the have an article asking "Are Mustaches The Key To Arkansas' SEC West Baseball Title?" And I think the answer is obvious, not only because of the unmistakable power a mustache holds, but because Arkansas is not known for producing top athletes. The only things Arkansas consistently produces are amazing mullets, cheap moonshine, and public disturbances at Silver Dollar City (my wife has family in Branson, I have been to Silver Dollar City, and it is no place for small children, trust me).

Mike Beltran

I came across this epic specimen refereeing a mixed martial arts fight on Saturday night and instantly fell in love (holy man crush!). After doing a little research I found out that not only is Mike an MMA referee, and mustache enthusiast, but he is also the opera critic for the OC Register newspaper, and he comes from a long line of biker florists, where he is famous in the horticulture community for producing the finest Golden Pagoda flowers North America has ever seen.


UPDATE: Just found a pic of the 'stache in action, truly amazing.

Lloyd 'Cupcake' Woodard

Cupcake is not only an undefeated mixed martial arts prospect with hands of steel, but he is also the keeper of a free range mustache, and even though it is a proven scientific fact that a well groomed mustache improves your take down defense by 40%, and your hand speed by 22%, Lloyd says he simply grows the impressive specimen because "chicks can't keep their hands off of it."

John Axford

Just over a year ago John Axford was out of baseball, after being cut by the New York Yankees John went on a 2 week drinking binge, locking himself in his parents basement with nothing but a few cases of Miller Lite and his Xbox 360. Then one night while passed out John had a dream where the mustache god's came to him and made him an offer he couldn't refuse. If he would grow a sweet 'stache the god's would grant him a lighting bolt for an arm. When John woke up the next morning he vowed to never again shave his upper lip, and the next thing he knew the Milwaukee Brewers were knocking on his door. With his amazing new lip sweater and brand new gig as the Brewers closing pitcher John was soon getting more pussy than Ron Jeremy, and he credits his mustache for all his success on the field and in the bedroom.

Fashionable and Functional

Foremost, I need to apologize for the picture quality, but it was taken with my phone after I had been drinking pints in the hot desert sun all day, and the picture doesn't do justice to the energy that radiates off this thing. Not only not does this amazing specimen get him laid despite morbid obesity, but it is also serves as a "tooth wig" completely concealing the fact that he is missing a front tooth. Ladies!

New York Baseball's Heyday

Forget Mickey Mantle, or Babe Ruth, this was New York baseball's heyday.

Major League Mustaches

In celebration of Spring Training 2011 kicking off this weekend, I present you with a few of the most masculine lip curtians in baseball history.

Tim Lincecum Tries Out a New Mustache

Although it barely resembles anything Burt Reynolds would call a mustache, by definition that growth on Tim Lincecum's upper lip is indeed a mustache, and since it got his cover charge waived at a strip club last night it is official.

Chuck Liddell's Mustache is a Green Bay Packers Fan!

UFC hall of famer Chuck Liddell and his nose neighbor somehow made it onto the field to celebrate the Packers super bowl victory, I guess you should never underestimate the power of a mustache.

Marlin Briscoe

On October 6th 1968 Marlin Briscoe became the first African-American starting quarterback in NFL history, he threw for 14 touchdowns that year, which is still a Denver Bronco's rookie record. Marlin enjoyed a productive football career until he foolishly shaved his upper lip in 1976. Almost instantly Briscoe was run out of the NFL, became addicted to crack cocaine, and landed in prison, where he was raped daily by a group of gay white supremacists.  

Super Bowl Mustache

My buddy Gary Cole, grew this amazing specimen to commemorate the Green bay Packers going to Super Bowl XLV. I just hope he got some pepper spray to go with that mustache, because every vagina on planet earth will be trying to ride this lip sweater.