John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery were on the fast track to rock n roll stardom, opening up for Ted Nugent's 1973 world tour, and giving ladies of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions international mustache rides. They were living the life a bare lipped man could only dream of, then suddenly after 37 straight hours in a Hungarian opium den, the stupid Turds let some overly eager female fans vandalize their upper lips with a razor. Within minutes of the upper lip offense Hungarian police kicked in the door of the opium den, and took the Turds directly to prison, where the have been held for over 38 years without so much as a single phone call to their loved ones.

Carl Ibsen

Carl and his mustache spent 17 years running meth for a ruthless biker gang, before he got sick of the long hours, and days on end with out sleep, so on September 22nd 1987 he told the gang to fuck off and got into the poodle breeding business. Then late one night while Carl's mustache was getting it's beauty rest the group stole all of Carl's prize poodles. To get revenge Carl got online and earned his criminal justice degree in just 3 hours. Soon afterward Ibsen's lip rug was elected sheriff of Misoula Wyoming, by amazingly getting every single female vote in the county. He immediately busted the biker gang on drug charges and sent them straight to prison were they are sodomized daily by rival prison gangs.

Marlin Briscoe

On October 6th 1968 Marlin Briscoe became the first African-American starting quarterback in NFL history, he threw for 14 touchdowns that year, which is still a Denver Bronco's rookie record. Marlin enjoyed a productive football career until he foolishly shaved his upper lip in 1976. Almost instantly Briscoe was run out of the NFL, became addicted to crack cocaine, and landed in prison, where he was raped daily by a group of gay white supremacists.  

Billy Dee Williams

In the late 70's and early 80's things were going perfect for Billy, he had a glorious mustache, he was making Star-Wars films, selling malt liquor, and banging strippers daily (despite being married), that is until he started to hang-out with the wrong crowd, you know, those bare lipped types. Before he knew it Billy and his bare lip were divorced and in prison for giving Colt 45 to under age girls, where he now gets raw dogged in the shower every morning because "he's that bitch from Star-Wars."

Edward Newman

Eddie spent his formidable years in the West Oklahoma Juvenile Detention Center, for stealing a bunch of whiskey and crashing him grandmas car into his middle school during a PTA meeting. It was here that he grew his first mustache and quickly realized that it is pretty damn hard to get laid in jail (by a woman), so Eddie straightened up his act and got his GED. Upon his release Eddie and his nose neighbor enrolled in the architecture program at Wyoming State University. After graduation Eddie scored a multi-million dollar freelance job designing the Patronas Towers in Malaysia. After the project was complete Eddie took his money in cash to Peru and hasn't been heard from since 1998.

Crazy Randy

I came across this picture the other day when I was helping a friend move. He said it's a picture of his uncle, Randy, from 1971 when he was a certified bad ass running cheap meth for the Hells Angels, before he went to prison and converted to Islam. Once out of prison Randy went on to invent a Muslim prayer carpet laced with Teflon, making it the worlds most durable and easy to clean prayer pad, and quickly became a favorite of insurgents around the world.