Thursday, February 18, 2010
Mr. Rooney, my high school chemistry teacher, has been harnessing the power of the mustache to seduce underage girls despite his receding hairline and love for turtle necks since at least 1997. I personally observed him render a young girl helpless in the halls during class in 1999, when he thought no one was looking. As he approached the unsuspecting victim he spoke to her in a comforting yet firm tone of voice, and with a few quick maneuvers of his upper lip, she was running full speed to his office. A few minutes later a I saw her leaving Mr. Rooney's office with her hair all messed up, and her shirt full of wrinkles. As I went to give Rooney a congratulatory high five, I realized the young girl was my girlfriend!