Thursday, December 30, 2010

"A man without a mustache is a man without a soul." - Confucius 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ask And You Shall Receive

Dr. Phil

Not only has this son of a bitch been giving mustaches world wide a bad name, but he is also confusing women about the masculinity a lip sweater represents, and it's also important to note that Dr. Phil is not a real doctor in the MD sense. He is essentially some guy that just got a PhD and decided to put 'Dr.' in front of his name. Pretentiousness has a prefix, and that is 'Dr.' This guy's mustache has let his ego get out of control and he must be stopped, or else the prestige that is a mustache will be marred forever.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Mustache Propaganda

Props to mustache enthusiast and founder of the International Federation for Mustache Advancement, Calluna. Check out the link for more of these gems

Saturday, December 25, 2010

No Internet Conection

The blog has been inactive the last 9 days because I got caught in that really bad storm that went across Europe last week. I was stuck in the countryside of Holland at a hotel with no internet connection, but at least there was a coffee shop across the street with some of the worlds choicest buds and ice cold Heineken's, it was rough, but I survived...Alright not really, on December 20th I had another kid, Caden Christopher, and my life has been all feeding charts and diaper changes, so merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


This appears to be the ideal Christmas present.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010


My good old friend Jeffery recently unveiled this spectacular specimen, he said he is growing the full beard with handlebar mustache to keep alive the tradition of his Lenni Lenape forefathers, just as he is keeping alive the ancient tribal custom of hand making deerskin moccasins. When Jeffery isn't busy practicing Lenni Lenape rituals he sings lead vocals for his ska polka band 'The Cheese Slicers' and he said his mustache has been a hit with the ladies on their recent fall tour.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Mustache Memories

Although a mustache doesn't give you super natural powers, it does improve your quality of life in just about every aspect, from making you more efficient at work, to increasing your stamina in bed, and it can even help you make better financial decisions. Which for some odd reason reminds me of when I grew my first mustache, it was the summer 1998, and it was a soft and fuzzy little 'stache, and only days after I let the peach fuzz go, my premature mustache helped me memorize every single word to the entire Sublime (self titled) album. It is a fond day in my memory as I was refinishing an old door for friend's mother, and I was having the time of my life stripping the old paint off the door with paint thinner in an unventilated room getting high as hell off the fumes, singing along with Sublime, and constantly stoking my upper lip. I still can't fathom how many brain cells I lost that day, but it was worth it, damn it!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Promised Land

Last night I had a dream, that former heavyweight boxing champion Ken Norton, called for an uprising of all mustache lovers, where upon he constructed a mass exodus to the upper lip promised land (which is a serene island in the South Pacific). Once we made it to the promised land, we set up a grand mustached Utopian society, where mustache wax was plentiful and there was a mustache ride parlor on every street corner. Everyone got along, and all women treated mustaches like saddles, until we all realized that living on a secluded island in the South Pacific sucks with out amenities like modern health care and fast food.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tim Stalder

My neighbor Tim told me that he never really thought about the effects of a masculine lip sweater, until he grew his first mustache this November, and he couldn't be more jubilant. He said since he let him upper lip follicles be free his girlfriend needs sex constantly, finally tried anal, and has even started collecting porn. On Thanksgiving when he was at his girlfriend's parents having a few cocktails, her mother slapped his ass and asked him if he wanted to get high. With a twinkle in his eye, Tim told he would shave his upper lip again.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Monster Jam

Since I do consider myself some what of a sub-nasal aficionado, I was startled to discover something that now seems obvious, mustaches are huge on the monster truck circuit! My lazy ass was sitting on the couch, flipping through the television channels, trying to determine exactly how many mini marshmallows I could fit in my mouth simultaneously, when I came across Monster Jam. There wasn't just 1 or 2 monster truck drivers with lip sweaters, but an amazing 13 out of 16 drivers last night were sporting mustaches. And the stadium was packed, mostly with trailer park adolescents, and half mutant hillbilly skank's, pounding Budweiser's and sucking down Winston's while begging for adrenaline induced mustache rides, I couldn't even imagine if those sluts were full mutants, like Michael Moore, I bet he could fit thousands of mini marshmallows in his giant mutant gullet. Anyway, needless to say, the next time Monster Jam comes to Phoenix, I will be all over that scene.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Mustache Q&A

I recently received an email from a faithful Mustache Revival reader, who wished to remain anonymous, about his upper lip dilemma, he wrote...

Mustache Revival,
I recently grew a new mustache for Movember, and even though I am enjoying my new lifestyle, my girlfriend told me she prefers my mustache with the full goatee. Although I prefer just the mustache, I need to keep her happy, and I just have to know if the mustache goatee combination is acceptable?
Troubled in Toronto.

According the 'The Mustache Code of Conduct Handbook,' the mustache goatee combo is in direct violation of rule number 263. Plus what about the goatee does your girlfriend find attractive? It sounds like she is still living in 1998, listening to Limp Bizkit and wearing those boot cut jeans that are faded and already have rips and tears in them when you buy them. If she can't appreciate or respect your mustache for what it is, then I suggest that you wax up your nose neighbor and head on down to your local brew pub to find the girl of your dreams that will recognize what your upper lip sweater is, which is a badge of honor representing all things masculine and tough. A mustache always provides for his family by putting food on the table and spending quality time with the one's it loves, a mustache never forgets an anniversary or child's birthday, and will defend it's honor to the death. So in other words no.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Amazing Mustache Record Set

1,131 lip sweaters of all shapes, sizes, and colors converged at the Minnesota Wild game on Friday November 26th to set a new record for 'largest gathering of mustaches in one place' smashing the old record of 151.
After Guinness officials certified all the mustaches, the amazing part happened, as Minnesota Wild groupie and Starbucks barista, Michelle Adams went on to ride every single one of those mustaches, setting an unofficial record for most consecutive mustaches rides, and if you don't love this woman, then you are a racist.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Mr. Boh

Mustache Neglect Gets NFL Coach Fired

Rumors have been swirling for weeks, but yesterday the Minnesota Vikings front office confirmed that indeed head coach Brad Childress has been fired for mustache neglect. From this photo it appears obvious that Childress' grooming had become lazy and lackadaisical. Lip line trimming is paramount, and it seems as if he couldn't even be bothered to properly trim the most essential part of his lip sweater, it also appears as though his nose neighbor is severely dehydrated, so it is no wonder this mustache lost the respect of his players. How do you expect grown men to play hard for a mustache with no dignity?

Friday, November 19, 2010


Since it is Movember, and yes I'm growing a Movember 'stache, the upper lip pioneers at Movember have issued a very few number of 'The Prestigious & Essential Movember Pocket Guide,' and they run down a list of 10 foods to approach with caution when sporting a new mustache.

1. Cappuccino
2. Irish Cream Ale, Guinness, or any of the nitrogenated brews served with a fine creamy mousse.
3. Singapore Crab
4. Milkshake
5. Cotton Candy
6. Candy Apples
7. Spaghetti Carbonara
8. Meat Pie, when eaten with your hand
9. Souvlaki
10. Tacos

Obviously, tacos are the most controversial item on the list. Not only does Latin America have a great and storied history with the mustache, but it is also said that all luchadors wear mustaches under their masks as a badge of honor, and you can't tell me those guys don't eat a lot of tacos. All that flying around the wrestling ring, those guys must work up a huge appetite, but I guess it is a just guideline for new mustaches, and in Latin America there is no such thing as a mustache novice.

Hot Chicks In Mustaches Friday

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mustache Paralysis

Mustache paralysis is very real and very scary, and is effecting the next generation of lip sweaters around the globe at an astonishing rate.
Mustache paralysis is the failure of a man's whiskers to respond to cleaning, waxing, trimming, or any other upper lip stimulation, and the symptoms include rogue whiskers, droopy follicles, and upper lip inflammation. The cause is still unknown, but there are many conspiracies out there, from poor grooming techniques, to the controversial theory that modern man's upper lip follicles are just not as strong as our mustached forefathers.
Since the cause is still unknown, there is no FDA approved treatment, but the Global Mustache Health Committee is working diligently to find a cure, and in the meantime some experimental remedies include hyper-hydration, follicle reconstruction surgery, meditation, even electroshock therapy, and in extreme cases shaving.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Another Mustache Sets Another Record

Last night the Philadelphia Eagles, led by head coach Andy Reid's mustache, set a record for most points scored in the first quarter by a road team in NFL history.
This mustache takes me back to a time when mustaches commanded respect and authority, when a mustache was always the hero who saved the day, and in the end always got the girl, or in this case got the dozen doughnuts, see even morbid obesity couldn't hold this mustache back from greatness.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Apple Pie

To show her appreciation for my sub-nasal fur coat, my wife made me this homemade apple pie yesterday, while I sat on the couch, drank beer, and watched football. After indulging in this delicious pie, she also cleaned my sticky whiskers with an organic mustache shampoo, followed that up with a deep conditioning treatment, and then she topped it all off with a lap-dance, all in appreciation for my manly lip sweater.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Mustaches Make A Difference

On a completely unrelated side note, I took my first stab at home made chicken fajitas last night, and I must say, I knocked it out of the park!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Tough 'stache

I ran into this polite gentleman at a roller derby event last weekend, and without asking his name, I instinctively asked him his opinion on the current state of the mustache in pop culture, and  he quickly snapped, "this thing gets me laid every Saturday night, what the fuck do you think?"
At least he was kind enough to let me take a quick picture.

World's Most Recognizable Mustaches

English newspaper The Telegraph recently did a 'world's most famous mustaches' survey in honor of Movember, and the results are as follows...

1. Salvador Dali
2. Hulk Hogan
3. Albert Einstein

From the results it is obvious this was a poll done in Britain, otherwise Tom Selleck would have been on the list.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Awesome Mustache

Last night I was sitting on the couch eating Cheetos watching Dan Severn sodomize full grown men on The Ultimate Ultimate, when I started to wonder how many Cheetos you would have to eat to make your stomach explode, or if Cheetos could even make your stomach explode, and then I got to thinking about a parallel universe where imitation cheese covered corn puffs are used as currency, and just many many Cheetos it would take to purchase a Ford Mustang. Anyway none of that has anything to do with this mustache, but it sure is awesome.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Mustache Tagging

Some may call it vandalism, but I call it art.

Oh yeah

I forgot to mention Mustache Revival is on Twitter and Facebook, so...

Matt Kilbourne: Dangerous Mustache

This nose neighbor not only strains an average of 113 Pabst Blue Ribbon's a week, but it also beat me in a mustache ride tequila shot contest last weekend ,when my wife was out of town, by doing 3 tequila shots through a silly straw with a 250 pound Asian massage therapist on his upper lip.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Random Mustache Fact

The typical mustached man touches his upper lip an average of 519 times in a 24 hour period.