Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Happy Holidays

It has been worn by great rulers, heroes, sports legends, hipsters, and most importantly cowboys who tamed the wild west, so this holiday season let's all celebrate the mustache as god's gift to the world.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Taylor Swift

Rejoice mustached men around the world, in a recent interview country/pop superstar Taylor Swift was quoted as saying, she is now only dating sophisticated men with upper lip umbrellas! After many failed relationships with lesser bare lipped fellows such as the racist musician John Mayer, she is now only seeking gentlemen with superior upper lips because in her own words she, "has come to realize that a mustache represents everything that is masculine and chivalrous." 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Baron Von Gaerhart

Baron was the bastard son of Father McCauley damned to a life void of a father figure, so at a young age he was forced to use his entrepreneurial skills selling snake oil to nervous customers outside the local whore house. Business was so good, by the age of 11, he had enough loot to open his own barber shop, where Baron and his impeccable grooming became pioneers in early mustache cleaning and brushing techniques.

Upper Lip Victory

Yesterday I received a phone call from my good friend and fellow mustache advocate Jeffery Jackson. Jeff was distraught and on the verge of a panic attack as he told me that he had stopped by our favorite North Mesa Walgreen's, only to find out that they were no longer stocking our preferred mustache wax, Pinaud-Clubman. Instantly I called said pharmacy, and after falsifying my name and exaggerating several instances of mustache discrimination, I am pleased to announce that Walgreen's not only said they would continue stocking Pinaud-Clubman mustache wax in my preferred neutral color, but they would also start stocking the wax in black, brown, and chestnut to avoid any future instances of upper lip discirmination.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Joe Frazier

This mustache beat Muhammad Ali in "The Fight of The Century," won an Olympic gold medal, and cut off his own toe with a lawn mower.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Coat Of Arms For Your Face

"A well maintained  mustache is a symbol of a modern gentlemen. Like a coat of arms for his face, a mustache instantly places the man in the International Society of Modern Gentlemen. A man who sports a mustache knows what it means, and he knows the responsibility it holds. What's more, he knows what it feels like to have that little something extra, that special touch for when life calls for it, but mostly, a man who grows a mustache knows what it's like to have his very own piece if luxury, something every man deserves."  - The Prestigious & Essential Pocket Guide to MOvember.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Harold Snepsts

Harold may not look like a professional caliber athlete, but his mustache was an NHL mainstay for 17 years. He instantly became a fan favorite when he was drafted by the Vancouver Canucks in 1974, because of his blue-collar defensive play and his mustache's like able personality. Then in 1991 Harold's lifelong propensity for strong booze and Asian women got the best of him when he quit playing hockey, packed up his moonshine still, and took off for the small Indonesian island of Lombok, and has never been heard from since. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Stan Davis

Stan spent the late 70's dominating the Southern Indiana Semi-Professional Bowling League, while his lip rug cleaned up on all the slutty single mother types that hang around bowling alley's. Life was good, Stan had a double wide trailer with custom green shag carpet, and a Jeep Wrangler, that ran most of the time, but in 1982 Stan gave all that up to pursue his true passion of converting new Bolivian immigrants to atheism.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Carl Ibsen

Carl and his mustache spent 17 years running meth for a ruthless biker gang, before he got sick of the long hours, and days on end with out sleep, so on September 22nd 1987 he told the gang to fuck off and got into the poodle breeding business. Then late one night while Carl's mustache was getting it's beauty rest the group stole all of Carl's prize poodles. To get revenge Carl got online and earned his criminal justice degree in just 3 hours. Soon afterward Ibsen's lip rug was elected sheriff of Misoula Wyoming, by amazingly getting every single female vote in the county. He immediately busted the biker gang on drug charges and sent them straight to prison were they are sodomized daily by rival prison gangs.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Clive Owen

Hollywood star Clive Owen has grown an impressive new lip sweater for his role in the movie "Killer Elite" co-starring Robert De Niro. Clive recently stated that his mustache is such a success with the ladies that he had to take self-defense classes to protect his upper lip from the daily molestation it gets from soccer moms and punk rock chicks.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Mustache Journey

I recently returned from a two week sacred retreat deep in the San Juan mountains with spiritual advisor Kapoor Patel to revitalize mind, spirit, and upper lip. He taught that the true essence of the mustache comes from deep within, and no matter the conditioner, wax, or grooming techniques a mustache will not prosper unless it comes from the soul. He also reiterated that a mustache is not a fashion statement, or a tool used to pull tail, but it is a life-style.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Aaron Rodgers New Mustache

It looks like Mr. Rodgers has grown another amazing mustache this preseason, only this specimen is much more masculine than the 2010 version, so much more masculine in fact that the mustache has got it's own Twitter handle, and recently tweeted that it's going to kick Jay Cutler's ass.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Anthony Kiedis

Red Hot Chili Peppers front man Anthony Kiedis was recently spotted in West Hollywood sporting a brand new mustache. When asked about the new facial hair by reporters Kiedis responded by saying, "since growing this lip sweater I have never felt more masculine and confident, I have even taken up competitive arm wrestling, professional ax throwing, and Muay Thia kickboxing."

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Martin 'Hot Sauce' Miller

Martin grew up in Croatia as a clam farmer, but after growing his amazing mustache at the age of 9, he feared his facial hair would permanently stink of fish rot, so he fled the family farm and hitch hiked across the Atlantic where he ended up in northern Minnesota working as a lumber jack, until he fell in love with the son of a baptist preacher. Together they fled to San Francisco, where they opened the world's first poodle grooming parlor in 1893, and lived happily ever after.

Great Mustache Quotes

"A mustache ride is the pinnacle of euphoria... with a happy ending!" - Lakshmi Singh

Monday, August 8, 2011

On This Day In Mustache History

On August 8, 1987 Milwaukee Brewers slugger Rob Deer was battling a nasty hangover after a long night of celebrating a multiple home run game the day before, and decided to forgo proper mustache grooming for just one day, well he was slapped with a healthy dose of karma right in the upper lip, as he struck out 5 times against the Chicago White Sox.

Mustache Fact

Although is has been scientifically proven that a mustache will increase your bench press by 32%, and improve your chances with the opposite sex by 67%, a mustache cannot cure halitosis. I recently learned this truth the hard way on a 4 hour flight from Charlotte to Phoenix, and the gentlemen seated to my left was polite as can be, but suffered from chronic bad breath. I believe he was well aware of his condition and in an attempt to cure his condition, he grew a bushy mustache to act as a type of upper lip breath filter, but I must reiterate that this trick, although, clever and plausible, does not work, and will likely do permanent damage to your upper lip follicles.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Wayne Kelly

Wayne Kelly has been diligently growing his first mustache, and he sent me this photograph to document his journey. He said thus far the mustache lifestyle is working better than any male enhancement could, because he no longer gets mean mugged by other guys at the gym, and yesterday the lady behind the counter at his neighborhood Lebanese restaurant gave him an extra glass of arak absolutely free.

Monday, July 25, 2011

On This Day In Mustache History

On July, 25th 1984 Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to ever preform a space walk. She celebrated the historic feat by returning to the Mother Land, slamming a bottle of vodka, and riding the bushiest mustache in Siberia.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Mickey Norris

Mickey wasn't always a confident man, if fact he had a lonely childhood constantly battling obesity, and video game addition with few friends to call his own, but that all changed on his eighteenth birthday at 'The Leopard Room' gentleman's club, during a fateful lap dance a stripper looked into his sorrowful eyes, suggested Mickey grow a mustache to help his self esteem, and the rest is history. Mickey is now at the forefront of the mustache lifestyle traveling the globe conducting seminars on progressive mustache grooming techniques at facial hair conventions.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Doug Quelland

Doug and his masculine lip rug played minor league baseball in Reno during the 70's, until he had a career ending hot tub injury, so he packed up his mustache wax and headed to Phoenix, and opened up a prosperous chain of Asian taco stands before throwing his hat into the political ring. With the support of his mustache on the campaign trail Doug easily won a seat in the Arizona state legislature, and had a very successful political career until he was ousted for clean elections violations.

Amazing Mustache fact

Only a mustache can fly through a desert monsoon at 80 miles per hour in a Jeep.

Monday, June 27, 2011

UFC Mustache (Update)

Just as I predicted Matt's new mustache came through Sunday night with a 2nd round knock out, tripling my life savings, and finally allowing me to afford to take my wife on an extra special date to Freddy's Frozen Custard.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

UFC Mustache

It appears that UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione has grown a mustache for his fight this Sunday against Christian Morecraft. The new mustache pretty much guarantees him a victory in the cage, so I am immediately heading to my local sports book and putting my life savings on his mustache to win.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

La Familia Bigote

Once again my wife came through with some awesome matching mustache shirts for our boys, I love that woman!

Monday, June 6, 2011

D-Day Mustache

It was on this day, June the 6th 1944, Private James O'Connor and his alpha mustache stormed the beaches of Normandy to kick the racist Nazi's right in their dick holes, and after Jim and his lip sweater conquered the German's soul's, they stood high atop Omaha Beach, knee deep in their enemy's blood, and proclaimed that "the mustache is greater than racism."

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

God Loves Arkansas

I recently came across the website arkansassports360.com because the have an article asking "Are Mustaches The Key To Arkansas' SEC West Baseball Title?" And I think the answer is obvious, not only because of the unmistakable power a mustache holds, but because Arkansas is not known for producing top athletes. The only things Arkansas consistently produces are amazing mullets, cheap moonshine, and public disturbances at Silver Dollar City (my wife has family in Branson, I have been to Silver Dollar City, and it is no place for small children, trust me).

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Handlebar Mustache History

It is widely recognized that the handlebar mustache was popularized by the upper lip pioneer Captain Henry Morgan in the 1660's. History says he grew the masculine lip sweater to intimidate the captains and seduce any female slaves on the merchant ships he was pillaging. It is also said that he always kept a hive of bees on board his ships to have and endless supply of bee's wax for his mustache grooming and honey to sweeten his famous spiced rum.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rudy Cantfeld

Rudy's lip rug is not only the drummer of Romania's most celebrated Clash cover band 'White Riot', but he also makes his own organic mustache waxes set to hit the market this July, and he specializes in Malaysian mustaches rides making him an all around lip curtain connoisseur.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Mustache Expedition

It is a little known fact that in 1804 Thomas Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark west to explore and document the exotic mustaches of the unknown Native Americans west of the Mississippi, and he experienced severe depression when they came back 3 years later only to report that 99.9% of the western natives were genetically unable to cultivate lip sweaters, and throughout their entire journey they were only able to record and archive this one specimen.