Army Mustaches

Oddly enough, I actually do feel safer knowing that these mustaches are defending our country.
And speaking of Army mustaches, as a kid I always imagined my "little green Army men" had mustaches. Except "metal detector guy" and "backpack telephone guy" it seems like when everyone else was trying to kill "charlie" those two guys had better things to do, so they definitely didn't have mustaches. "Prone sniper guy" (second row far left) had a mustache so glorious that it would even make Hulk Hogan jealous, well at least in my 6 year old make believe world.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Years of abusing steroids and booze would kill an ordinary man, but not The Iron Sheik. The Sheik has survived and endured 27 years of addiction because of his loyal upper lip companion. The Sheik even credits his relief from chronic back pain to his mustache. Sure he may now be over weight, and gets drunk and pisses his pants in public, but at least he's still alive, and still has his trademark life saving mustache.

Honestly Axl?

Since disbanding the original Guns N' Roses in 1994, Axl Rose has struggled to remain relevant. Unable to release the fabled "Chinese Democracy" album and having futilely tried to tour, he had almost completely given up hope on his dreams, but Axl is pulling out his one last ace in the hole. A mustache.

Steve Prefontaine

You probably know "Pre" for helping bring running into the mainstream in the 1970's, but what most people don't know is that before he grew that amazing mustache he was morbidly obese, and would run out of energy just walking from his favorite recliner to the refrigerator. Almost instantly after growing that impressive specimen he dropped 275 lbs and began getting laid constantly. Then unexpectedly on May 30th, 1975 Steve shaved his mustache. Immediately after shaving he had an insatiable urge for a Triple Whopper from Burger King, and on his way to Burger King Steve rolled his MGB convertible and was crushed to death.

Child Molester Stache?

This is Bernie Goldstein, he was my camp counselor at Sugar Creek Summer Camp in 1987. Back then I thought nothing of it, but looking back at the photos from that summer, I wonder if this guy should have been supervising little boys out in the middle of nowhere.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Wrestling Legend Jake "The Snake" Roberts was on top of the world in 1988 without any apparent skill because of his mullet and mustache combo that the ladies found absolutely stunning. Then in 2001 after 13 years of drug abuse and scumming around trailer parks this mustache simply disappeared without a trace... Oh how I yearn to see this mustache again in all it spandex glory.

RIP: David "The Animal" Paterson

David "The Animal" Paterson came out of the womb with this lip sweater many years ago, and was raised by wild badgers, who taught him the art of kung fu. When he turned 14 the badger colony sent him out on his own to become a man. On his journey David stumbled upon a strip club, where his mustache became employed as a bouncer. While bouncing at the the "gentlemen's club" David met a nice Canadian girl named Michelle. He instantly took Michelle to Las Vegas and made her his wife, and immediately after the wedding ceremony he was hit by a tour bus and died.

Justin Millin

This is Justin Millin, he lives 2 streets over from me and loves remote control cars. Just about 2 weeks ago Justin kicked his wife out of the house (because she didn't respect the mustache, or so he says), anyway in those 2 weeks Justin has had at least 8 different swamp donkeys spend the night. I have to conclude that the ladies find his mustache irresistible, and they are not attracted to Justin because of a mutual love for remotely controlled automobile toys.

Do You Recognize This Mustache?

You may not be acquainted with this man without his signature horn-rimmed glasses, and usually naked upper lip, but this mustache has sold over 8 million records in the U.S., is an expert at the sacred art of the Asian mustache ride, and graduated Phi Beta Kappa at Harvard University. If this mustache still has you puzzled just click here.

The Enforcer Mustache

Fresh off the Olympic gold medal hockey game, I present you with George Parros (not an Olympian) of the Anaheim Ducks, my favorite hockey mustache. I'm not head over heels for this mustache because of it's gracefulness on the ice, but because it know for kicking some serious ass. As is evident in the video below, it is never a good idea to pick a fight with a mustache, and especially not when thousands of people are watching. This mustache drops his opponent with a beautiful upper cut, and crushes him with a follow up ground punch that would make Dan Henderson proud. I bet this mustache dates a super model.