Taylor Swift

Rejoice mustached men around the world, in a recent interview country/pop superstar Taylor Swift was quoted as saying, she is now only dating sophisticated men with upper lip umbrellas! After many failed relationships with lesser bare lipped fellows such as the racist musician John Mayer, she is now only seeking gentlemen with superior upper lips because in her own words she, "has come to realize that a mustache represents everything that is masculine and chivalrous." 

Clive Owen

Hollywood star Clive Owen has grown an impressive new lip sweater for his role in the movie "Killer Elite" co-starring Robert De Niro. Clive recently stated that his mustache is such a success with the ladies that he had to take self-defense classes to protect his upper lip from the daily molestation it gets from soccer moms and punk rock chicks.

Anthony Kiedis

Red Hot Chili Peppers front man Anthony Kiedis was recently spotted in West Hollywood sporting a brand new mustache. When asked about the new facial hair by reporters Kiedis responded by saying, "since growing this lip sweater I have never felt more masculine and confident, I have even taken up competitive arm wrestling, professional ax throwing, and Muay Thia kickboxing."

Mustache Neglect Gets NFL Coach Fired

Rumors have been swirling for weeks, but yesterday the Minnesota Vikings front office confirmed that indeed head coach Brad Childress has been fired for mustache neglect. From this photo it appears obvious that Childress' grooming had become lazy and lackadaisical. Lip line trimming is paramount, and it seems as if he couldn't even be bothered to properly trim the most essential part of his lip sweater, it also appears as though his nose neighbor is severely dehydrated, so it is no wonder this mustache lost the respect of his players. How do you expect grown men to play hard for a mustache with no dignity?

Mustache Paralysis

Mustache paralysis is very real and very scary, and is effecting the next generation of lip sweaters around the globe at an astonishing rate.
Mustache paralysis is the failure of a man's whiskers to respond to cleaning, waxing, trimming, or any other upper lip stimulation, and the symptoms include rogue whiskers, droopy follicles, and upper lip inflammation. The cause is still unknown, but there are many conspiracies out there, from poor grooming techniques, to the controversial theory that modern man's upper lip follicles are just not as strong as our mustached forefathers.
Since the cause is still unknown, there is no FDA approved treatment, but the Global Mustache Health Committee is working diligently to find a cure, and in the meantime some experimental remedies include hyper-hydration, follicle reconstruction surgery, meditation, even electroshock therapy, and in extreme cases shaving.

World's Most Recognizable Mustaches

English newspaper The Telegraph recently did a 'world's most famous mustaches' survey in honor of Movember, and the results are as follows...

1. Salvador Dali
2. Hulk Hogan
3. Albert Einstein

From the results it is obvious this was a poll done in Britain, otherwise Tom Selleck would have been on the list.

Walter Brimley Sets Guinness World Record

Most of you probably thought Walter Brimley was dead, but you are wrong. Walter came out of his Salt Lake City nursing home today to set the new world record for most diabetic Mormon mustache rides in a 24 hour period with 3, smashing the old record of 1.

Upon first glimpse of this mustache, President Obama felt the uncontrollable urge to massage this random guy's back. Although this looks strange and uncomfortable, it is quite common, and women do this to me every time I take my mustache out for a few pints.

Rev. Terry Jones

Inbred, bat shit crazy, religious fanatic, intolerant, racist mustache. This guy makes organized religion, Americans, and most importantly the mustache community look bad.

Nick Punto

It looks like Minnesota Twin Nick Punto is sick of teammates Carl Pavano and Joe Mauer's mustaches monopolizing all the fat bitches in Minnesota, so he has started to grow his own sub-nasal fur coat, and is ready and willing to scoop up his mustache pioneer teammates sloppy seconds.

Joe Mauer

It appears as though not even an MVP trophy could help Minnesota Twins Joe Mauer get laid, so he had to take his game to the next level, and growing a mustache pretty much guarantees his right hand will be getting a much needed break.

Obviously

It looks like Chuck Liddell heard my mustache warning from Thursday, when training photos surfaced of Chuck without his signature mustache. Based on the photographic evidence, I predicted Rich Franklin by 1st round ko, because of reckless upper lip trimming. Then in the days leading up to Chuck's fight at UFC 115 he desperately tried to grow his trademark whiskers back. But, obviously, it was too little, too late, as Chuck and his infant mustache were stopped by Rick Franklin via 1st round ko.
A brief exile from consciousness didn't stop Chuck and his nose neighbor from enjoying the Vancouver nightlife, after a quick trip to the hospital they went out clubbing and, I'm sure, sealed the deal with some unsuspecting random. Below is a photographic timeline of Chuck's Saturday night.

Chuck Liddell

Photos of Chuck Liddell training for his UFC 115 fight this weekend against Rich Franklin have surfaced, and although Chuck appears to be in the best shape of his career, it also appears he has shaved his signature mustache. It is a sad day for mustache lovers everywhere, and strictly based on Chuck's reckless lip shaving, I am picking Franklin by 1st round knock-out.

Hammer Time!

Breaking news just in, MC Hammer and his iconic mustache with be preforming at the Fort McDowell Casino on July 2nd! I know it's a shame that his "career" has come to this, but it happens when your mustache squanders over $30 million on mustache wax and prostitutes. I know I wouldn't miss this mustache if my life depended on it, so I hope to see you all July 2nd ( ladies I will be the man with the impeccably groomed lip sweater).

"Filthy" Tom Lawlor

It appears that Tom Lawlor showed up to his UFC 113 weigh-in dressed up as Dan Severn, with the sweet mustache and all. This pretty much guarantees him a victory tomorrow in the cage and in the bedroom.

Oh Sandra!

In an exclusive interview with Entertainment Weekly, Sandra Bullock announced she has officially filed for divorce, and is currently looking for a new man, but she is only willing to date mustached men this time around, because "they are so much fun to ride." She also threw a jab at ex-husband Jesse James saying "that bare lipped freak was a slug in bed."

Beaking News: Tito Ortiz's Mustache Assaults Porn Star Girlfriend Jenna Jameson

UFC fight Tito Ortiz and his mustache were arrested for felony domestic violence against girlfriend and mother of his 2 children Jenna Jameson at the couples Huntington Beach home today. Although this is clearly bad publicity for the mustache, Jenna is about the only person Tito can beat these days, as his career has been on a downward slide for the past few years.

Ultimate Fighting Mustache

Although Chuck Liddell and his mustache have fallen on hard times lately, losing 4 of his last 5 fights, and getting KO'd in his last 2, Chuck has never considered shaving his upper lip. Chuck has even stated that his recent decline in the UFC was due to mustache neglect. He has renewed his commitment to follicle hygiene, and is confident it will help him make another run at the title, starting with beating Tito Ortiz' stupid mustache down at UFC 115.

Major League Mustache Discrimination

Boston Red Sox first basemen Kevin Youkilis recently told weei.com's Alex Speier that Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada's mustache was "disgusting," so I am calling on the baseball gods and the mustache gods to end this injustice and condemn Youkilis with a career ending injury by the end of spring training, or at the very least have a gang of mustached renegades hold Youkilis down and shave his stupid trendy goatee into a sweet mustache.

Honestly Axl?

Since disbanding the original Guns N' Roses in 1994, Axl Rose has struggled to remain relevant. Unable to release the fabled "Chinese Democracy" album and having futilely tried to tour, he had almost completely given up hope on his dreams, but Axl is pulling out his one last ace in the hole. A mustache.