Death Or Mustache

Mustache Discrimination

The Phoenix Coyotes are gearing up to make another play-off run, starting on Wednesday versus the Detroit Red Wings, and they are asking their fans to show their support and grow play-off beards for charity, for as long as the Coyotes are in the post season. Now, don't get me wrong, I love charity and beards are alright, but why cant it be beards & mustaches for charity, this is a case of blatant upper lip neglect. I am planning to take action and send an email to the Coyotes director of charities at coyotes.charities@phoenixcoyotes.com, and I urge you all to do the same.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Steroids and trailer park genetics can produce some interesting specimens and loud mustaches.

Mustache Fever

It looks like mustache fever has hit Pecan Creek South. Here is my neighbor Chris Arthur, trying to look cool and masculine in his new lip sweater. When Chris turned 17 he dropped out of school, hitch hiked to Oregon, and got a job pounding wood as a lumberjack. Then 2 years ago on a road-trip to Mexico, Chris and his friends stopped at a truck stop in Phoenix, where Chris hooked up with and impregnated some poor skank. Long story short, Chris is now married with a kid and lives in Queen Creek Arizona and has been unemployed since he broke his little toe while working at Wal-Mart and subsequently failed the company drug test 9 months ago.

Senor Felipe

Gurt Lamberstein ran into this mesmerizing specimen the other night at Shakespeare's playing drums in the jazz band "Rosas Amargas." When this duster isn't impressing the ladies behind the skins he runs a successful upholstery business, specializing in low riders and rat rods. So the back seat of his '47 Mercury is always a plush spot to take a groupie or two between sets. The only downfall to having a mustache this charismatic is that so many ladies are getting their juices on it, it takes a lifetime prescription to Valtrex for maintenance.

Bat Shit Crazy Mustache

Most people know Don King and his mustache for their flamboyant personality and crazy hair, but most people don't know just how crazy this lip sweater really is. This mustache has been tried for two separate murders 13 years apart, the first one, in 1953, he was acquitted of after shooting a man in the back at one of his Cleveland gambling houses, and the second, in 1966, he was convicted of for stomping an employee to death, though after the mustache pulled some strings, the charge was reduced to non negligent homicide, and the stache only did 4 years. This mustache has been the victim of countless lawsuits by everybody from Lenox Lewis and Muhammad Ali to the Lloyd's Of London Insurance Company. This mustache has also been to court numerous times for tax evasion, and since this nose neighbor has spent so much time in court the natural allegations of jury-tampering have surfaced. This duster has also been investigated for ties to organized crime and was called to testify during a 1992 senate investigation into the matter, where this mustache naturally pleaded the fifth. Even ruthless Mike Tyson has said that this mustache "would kill his own mother for a dollar."

This is the beach cruiser/Sting Ray hybrid bike that I just got done refurbishing, and that means it's time to ride! That time is tomorrow night to be exact. So if you wanna go bar hopping (in the Higley & Baseline area) on a bicycle and listen to some RATT cassette tapes, call me.

The Battle Creek Metropolitan Area Mustache Society is holding a Dart Tournament at the Cricket Club on Saturday. Can you imagine all the ladies that are gonna turn out for darts, booze, and of course mustaches? Exactly! So all you mustached men better comb your hair, and put on some after shave, because this is gonna be a swamp donkey's dream.

Easter Torture

Ultimate Fighting Mustache

Although Chuck Liddell and his mustache have fallen on hard times lately, losing 4 of his last 5 fights, and getting KO'd in his last 2, Chuck has never considered shaving his upper lip. Chuck has even stated that his recent decline in the UFC was due to mustache neglect. He has renewed his commitment to follicle hygiene, and is confident it will help him make another run at the title, starting with beating Tito Ortiz' stupid mustache down at UFC 115.