Upper Lip Victory

Yesterday I received a phone call from my good friend and fellow mustache advocate Jeffery Jackson. Jeff was distraught and on the verge of a panic attack as he told me that he had stopped by our favorite North Mesa Walgreen's, only to find out that they were no longer stocking our preferred mustache wax, Pinaud-Clubman. Instantly I called said pharmacy, and after falsifying my name and exaggerating several instances of mustache discrimination, I am pleased to announce that Walgreen's not only said they would continue stocking Pinaud-Clubman mustache wax in my preferred neutral color, but they would also start stocking the wax in black, brown, and chestnut to avoid any future instances of upper lip discirmination.

Arizona Mustache Gets Political

Arizona democratic incumbent Raul Grijalva was feeling the pinch of the current political trend of rich white people wanting smaller government and was lagging behind in polls, until his advisors revamped his campaign putting his mustache front and center. After his official campaign page was restructured with this photo, he began surging in the polls.

Quick to recognize the power of a mustache the Arizona Republican Party began sending out these mailers as soon as possible, but with a much different looking mustache, and is sure to feel the backlash from the mustache community.

Gunnar Paasche

Gunnar has battled a lifetime of mustache discrimination, constantly fighting mustache enhancing drug allegations. Gunnar contends that his follicles are all natural, and he simpled started giving large women mustache rides at a young age to put food on the table, because his father abandoned the family. No matter what the truth is, one thing cannot be denied, that this is one incredible mustache, that is so charismatic it even makes a ridiculous flat top, and disgusting leather skin look good.

Mustache Discrimination

The Phoenix Coyotes are gearing up to make another play-off run, starting on Wednesday versus the Detroit Red Wings, and they are asking their fans to show their support and grow play-off beards for charity, for as long as the Coyotes are in the post season. Now, don't get me wrong, I love charity and beards are alright, but why cant it be beards & mustaches for charity, this is a case of blatant upper lip neglect. I am planning to take action and send an email to the Coyotes director of charities at coyotes.charities@phoenixcoyotes.com, and I urge you all to do the same.

Major League Mustache Discrimination

Boston Red Sox first basemen Kevin Youkilis recently told weei.com's Alex Speier that Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada's mustache was "disgusting," so I am calling on the baseball gods and the mustache gods to end this injustice and condemn Youkilis with a career ending injury by the end of spring training, or at the very least have a gang of mustached renegades hold Youkilis down and shave his stupid trendy goatee into a sweet mustache.

Mustache Discrimination

POLICE SUE OVER MUSTACHE BAN

Published on June 13, 1992

(AP)

A dozen police officers, bristling over the prospect of being forced to shave their mustaches, have filed suit in US District Court in Boston. Under new regulations, officers with the Metropolitan, Capital, Registry, and state police forces must be clean shaven when the four departments merge under a consolidated Massachusetts Department Of State Police July 1. The mustachioed officers told US District Judge Rya Zobel on Thursday that their facial hair is part of their individuality.

Unfortunately the facial hair ban went through, and the officers still to this very day can't have mustaches. And in a state like Massachusetts were they consider themselves forward thinking progressives. Only in Massachusetts can two men get married and fuck the shit out of each other, but an officer of the law can't even have a masculine mustache.