Mustached Action Figure

Finally, a real hero the kids can look up to. The mustached luchador champion with male pattern baldness action figure!

This is my friend's neighbor, Robbie Reynolds, and his mustache on vacation in Rosarito. I have no clue how he can afford a vacation since this mustache is very proficient at avoiding employment, and getting drunk. It must be a trust fund mustache.

Physically Dominate Mustache

Sergio Cruz and his mustache have been dominating the local South East Valley table tennis scene for years now. Not only is this mustache and comb over combination spectacular, but it's table tennis skills are virtually unstoppable. After this mustache won The Fall 2009 Queen Creek Open table tennis tournament, it went skinny dipping with all 3 table tennis groupies in the state of Arizona.

Anti-semitic Mustache

There is a lot of anti-semitism going around the middle east, but Mahmoud al-Mabhouh put his money where his mustache was. These whiskers were a founding member of the military wing of the extremist group Hamas, and were largely responsible for the smuggling of weapons and explosives into Gaza. On January 19th the Israeli government finally got sick and tired of this dangerous mustache, and followed it from Damascus, Syria all the way to Dubai where 4 assassins entered the mustaches hotel room, and knowing that 4 average men could never take out a single mustache, they first paralyzed the mustache via electric shock and then mercifully suffocated the immobile mustache.

Alvin Sloan

This is Alvin Sloan, my in-laws neighbor, and he is exhibiting the most sexually adventurous mustache I have seen in awhile. My wife's parents are constantly complaining about the loud obnoxious women he has in his pool late at night, and we all know these ladies are not there because of his sweet 1986 Honda Accord, or his stunning good looks. They are there for one reason and one reason only, a drunken late night ride on his red handle bars.

Mr. Rooney

Mr. Rooney, my high school chemistry teacher, has been harnessing the power of the mustache to seduce underage girls despite his receding hairline and love for turtle necks since at least 1997. I personally observed him render a young girl helpless in the halls during class in 1999, when he thought no one was looking. As he approached the unsuspecting victim he spoke to her in a comforting yet firm tone of voice, and with a few quick maneuvers of his upper lip, she was running full speed to his office. A few minutes later a I saw her leaving Mr. Rooney's office with her hair all messed up, and her shirt full of wrinkles. As I went to give Rooney a congratulatory high five, I realized the young girl was my girlfriend!

St. Louis Hulk Hogan Mustache Festival

Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, and Hulk Hogan will be holding the first annual "Hogan Fu-Fest" on February 26th at 2 p.m. CT (that's next Friday!) at Mike Shannon's Steak and Seafood on Market Street in St. Louis. At the "Fu-Fest" Hogan and TNA will be attempting to set a world record for the most Fu Manchu's in one place at the same time. TNA will be handing out fake mustaches for the follically challenged, and the women who attend the event.

Ringside tickets for "TNA Lockdown" on Sunday April 18th at the Family Arena in St. Charles will be awarded to the most unique or original Fu Manchu's.

And of course Hulk Hogan himself will be on hand to flaunt his masculine specimen and terrorize the ladies.

Sinbad

I won't lie, the mustache went through a tumultuous time in the early 90's, but Sinbad always kept the mustache classy, even during the dark ages of the upper lip. Sinbad truly made his mustache his most prominent feature, especially since it was usually accessorized with an obnoxious shirt and ridiculous flat top. During this time when most mustache were scoring some sloppy bitches, Sinbad still managed to pull fine dime pieces. Then in the mid 90's Sinbad unexpectedly switched to the trendy goatee. Almost immediately afterwards Sinbad developed some massive bitch tits and hasn't landed a major acting roll since.

Most Glorious Day in TV Guide History

January 2nd, 1982. The most glorious day in TV Guide history.

Suicidal Stache

I guess this is funny if you are on meth, but I just think it's direspectful to the mustache.

Sailor Jerry

Sailor Jerry, Godfather of the traditional American tattoo, and street certified bad ass who tattooed thousands of soldiers during WWII in the infamous Chinatown section of the port city Honolulu, Hawaii. Jerry not only inked the shit out of drunk sailors, but played saxophone in a dance band, was the keeper of a dangerous mustache, and get this, was actually a sailor.

Totally Rad 80's Stache

Portable tape deck? Check. Duran Duran t-shirt? Check. Sweet mustache? Check. Now let's go get some serious pussy!

Duane "Scruffy" McDonald

This is my Uncle Scruffy, who has been rocking the customary outdoorsman mustache and beer gut for as long as I can remember. This mustache holds a wealth of knowledge, like some of the best trout fishing spots in Northern Wisconsin. I just hope I get a chance to squeeze some of the wisdom out of this stache before it dies from obesity and is gone forever.

Monday Night Raw Mustache

Koko B. Ware and his mustache enjoyed mainstream success with the WWF in the late 80's, traveling the world, seducing ladies, and shooting up steroids. But that all came to an abrupt end in 1992 when Koko shaved his upper lip. Soon after his wife left him, he filed for bankruptcy, and got fired from the WWF. I just hope we can all learn a lesson from Koko's mistake.

The Convict Mustache

I am sorry to report that not all mustaches are wonderful and glorious, some mustaches are evil and sinister. One of those such mustaches is the 'convict mustache,' probably the second most hated mustache in history only behind the Hitler stache. The above example was most likely caught running moonshine or beating his wife. I will go with the former because I choose to believe that no woman on earth is crazy enough to legally bind herself to that mustache.

Devastatin' Dave, The Turntable Slave!

There is really nothing I can add to this, so please just enjoy this picture and all it's glory.

Jack White

Recognized as the front man for The Whites Stripes, Jack White is also the first American citizen to give a redhead women a mustache ride while in a boat on the Amazon river.