Ox Baker

 

Ox and his nose neighbor were groomed in the deep south on the professional wresting circuit, stealing opponents souls, and supplying countless hours of pleasure to any lady who was up to the challenge of riding this amazing mustache.

Great Mustache Quotes

"Fat chicks say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, because real ladies know, the way to a man's heart is by riding his upper lip."  - Jennifer Seith

On This Day In Mustache History

On February 2nd, 1870 Mark Twain and Olivia Langdon were wed, and after courageously resisting a mustache ride for their entire 2 year courtship, Olivia was finally able to hop aboard Mark's masculine upper lip saddle, and she religiously rode his mustache everyday until her death in 1904.

On This Day In Mustache History

On July, 25th 1984 Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to ever preform a space walk. She celebrated the historic feat by returning to the Mother Land, slamming a bottle of vodka, and riding the bushiest mustache in Siberia.

Rudy Cantfeld

Rudy's lip rug is not only the drummer of Romania's most celebrated Clash cover band 'White Riot', but he also makes his own organic mustache waxes set to hit the market this July, and he specializes in Malaysian mustaches rides making him an all around lip curtain connoisseur.

Chris: Mustache Money Maker

Just 6 months ago Chris was a lowly tattoo apprentice relegated to mopping up blood off the tattoo parlor floor, until he took up piercing and invented the mustache septum and belly button rings (he is shown here modeling both himself instead of a smoking hot chick for some reason), and now he is the shops top producer averaging 17 piercings and 9 mustache rides a day.

Spring Break Mustache

Although my brother in-law graduated from college last semester he still couldn't resist packing his favorite luchador mask and taking his mustache to Lake Havasau for some spring break debauchery.
This got me thinking about how his mustache is the ideal spring break mustache, his mustache can do a solo keg stand (as seen above), he is the guy who can fix a busted keg tapper with a stick of chewing gum and a paper clip, and his 'stache can also debate intermolecular force theory while doing consecutive beer bongs, making it the ideal saddle for any drunken spring break dame.

Crazy Cat Lady Loves Mustache Rides (and beef jerky)

So, there is a creepy eccentric old widow that lives at the end of my block, you know the type that puts out way too many decorations for every holiday, and has about 8 cats. Well, one day last week my brother in-law was over helping me trim my palm trees, when one of Mrs. Litterbox's cats fell down the storm drain on my street, without hesitation my brother's mustache jumped into action and retrieved the scared little kitten from it's underground prison. Cat lady was so thankful that she insisted she somehow pay my brother in-law back. After some coercion, she managed to get him insider her house, which he reported was stocked full of cat food and beef jerky, and smelled of week old cat shit. Once inside she told him she just couldn't resist a heroic mustache and threw herself at him. With a few moves that would make Kobe Bryant proud, he was able to make it out of cat hell unscathed, but now every time he drives by her house she points to her upper lip, and thrusts her pelvis vigorously, just to let him know that some day she will get that elusive mustache ride.

Valentine's Day

Don't get me wrong I know all mustache rides are special, but there is just something extra special about a valentine's day mustache ride. Maybe it is the anticipation from watching my wife cook me a pesto chicken penne dinner in nothing, but black lingerie, which can be an experience of ecstasy, as long as you can drowned out the noise of screaming kids who are high as hell off of sugar and other artificial sweeteners from the copious amount of candy they have ate, or maybe it was just the full bottle of champagne my wife drank, either way it was a happy valentine's day for me.

Super Bowl Mustache

My buddy Gary Cole, grew this amazing specimen to commemorate the Green bay Packers going to Super Bowl XLV. I just hope he got some pepper spray to go with that mustache, because every vagina on planet earth will be trying to ride this lip sweater.

The Promised Land

Last night I had a dream, that former heavyweight boxing champion Ken Norton, called for an uprising of all mustache lovers, where upon he constructed a mass exodus to the upper lip promised land (which is a serene island in the South Pacific). Once we made it to the promised land, we set up a grand mustached Utopian society, where mustache wax was plentiful and there was a mustache ride parlor on every street corner. Everyone got along, and all women treated mustaches like saddles, until we all realized that living on a secluded island in the South Pacific sucks with out amenities like modern health care and fast food.

Monster Jam

Since I do consider myself some what of a sub-nasal aficionado, I was startled to discover something that now seems obvious, mustaches are huge on the monster truck circuit! My lazy ass was sitting on the couch, flipping through the television channels, trying to determine exactly how many mini marshmallows I could fit in my mouth simultaneously, when I came across Monster Jam. There wasn't just 1 or 2 monster truck drivers with lip sweaters, but an amazing 13 out of 16 drivers last night were sporting mustaches. And the stadium was packed, mostly with trailer park adolescents, and half mutant hillbilly skank's, pounding Budweiser's and sucking down Winston's while begging for adrenaline induced mustache rides, I couldn't even imagine if those sluts were full mutants, like Michael Moore, I bet he could fit thousands of mini marshmallows in his giant mutant gullet. Anyway, needless to say, the next time Monster Jam comes to Phoenix, I will be all over that scene.

Amazing Mustache Record Set

1,131 lip sweaters of all shapes, sizes, and colors converged at the Minnesota Wild game on Friday November 26th to set a new record for 'largest gathering of mustaches in one place' smashing the old record of 151.
After Guinness officials certified all the mustaches, the amazing part happened, as Minnesota Wild groupie and Starbucks barista, Michelle Adams went on to ride every single one of those mustaches, setting an unofficial record for most consecutive mustaches rides, and if you don't love this woman, then you are a racist.

Matt Kilbourne: Dangerous Mustache

This nose neighbor not only strains an average of 113 Pabst Blue Ribbon's a week, but it also beat me in a mustache ride tequila shot contest last weekend ,when my wife was out of town, by doing 3 tequila shots through a silly straw with a 250 pound Asian massage therapist on his upper lip.

Walter Brimley Sets Guinness World Record

Most of you probably thought Walter Brimley was dead, but you are wrong. Walter came out of his Salt Lake City nursing home today to set the new world record for most diabetic Mormon mustache rides in a 24 hour period with 3, smashing the old record of 1.

Gunnar Paasche

Gunnar has battled a lifetime of mustache discrimination, constantly fighting mustache enhancing drug allegations. Gunnar contends that his follicles are all natural, and he simpled started giving large women mustache rides at a young age to put food on the table, because his father abandoned the family. No matter what the truth is, one thing cannot be denied, that this is one incredible mustache, that is so charismatic it even makes a ridiculous flat top, and disgusting leather skin look good.

Matt Copeland: Successful Hipster Mustache

I often see Matt at the local farmers market, where he sells avocado's and homemade baguettes, and last Saturday morning I had to ask him about the inspiration behind his incredible mustache. He told me for many years he rocked a beard, and was only semi-successful with the ladies, then about 7 months ago, with the advice of a stripper, he grew this wonderful handlebar mustache, and he says now his phone won't stop ringing on Friday nights from drunk ladies begging for mustache rides, and he sent me this photographic evidence.

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan the first mustache in history to give over 200,000 women a mustache ride, but definitely not the last.

Vincent Price

Not only was Vincent famous for his roles in numerous horror films, but he was also a real life freak, who found pleasure in providing morbidly obese women with mustache rides. Vincent said he loved the flavor left behind in his mustache from the sweat of a fat roll. Due to his love for large women Vincent had at least 3 facial reconstructive surgeries during his lifetime. Doctors warned Vincent after his last surgery that they wouldn't be able to help him anymore because of the severe amount of facial scar tissue, and against doctors orders on October 25th 1993 Vincent's maxilla bones gave away one last time and his life was tragically cut short with a 400 pounder on his upper lip.

Vincent Price's nirvana.

Oh Sandra!

In an exclusive interview with Entertainment Weekly, Sandra Bullock announced she has officially filed for divorce, and is currently looking for a new man, but she is only willing to date mustached men this time around, because "they are so much fun to ride." She also threw a jab at ex-husband Jesse James saying "that bare lipped freak was a slug in bed."