Holiday Mustache Challenge

As revival nation can now see, we have a new contestant for the holiday mustache challenge. Frank Von Schmidtz and his mustache have been heralded throughout central Illinois for being one of the most lethal banjo players and amateur gynecologists in all of the world. Von Schmidtz is commonly known as a gunsmith, moonshine bootlegger, and running one of the most ruthless antique coffee table cartels in all the biblebelt. This stache has seen more ass than a toilet seat. Just think about it -- do you have any idea how many post-menopausal women go through antique furniture shops in a single day? I rest my case.

Mike Ditka

Iron Mike is widely known as the old school, no non-sense football coach, and many women consider him the Greek god of upper lip hair, but this post is about his rarely documented, but highly controversial mustache grooming techniques. His techniques are considered unique by his admirers and bizarre by his adversaries. It is the sole reason for his divorce from his first wife, and Mike went to great lengths to keep his grooming procedures a secret for fear that it might tarnish his tough guy image.


It all started in 1986, the year The Chicago Bears won Super Bowl XX, and Mike frequently went to Asian massage parlors for 'legitimate' massages. When one day Mike was offered a lip sweater trim by an underage Asian girl in pigtails. After that first mustache trim the Bears went on to win 7 of their next 8 games including a Super Bowl victory. 'Da Coach' is a very superstitious man and truly believed that his great mustache trim was the reason for the bears winning streak. So to this day Mike only gets his mustache trimmed by underage Asian girls in pigtails, ID required ladies.

Poll Results

The polls have closed, and mustache lovers are split on whether it is acceptable for a person to dye their mustache, as long as he or she is not in the circus.

Official Results:

Yes 50%

No 50%

Circus 0%

David Crosby

Rock God David Crosby has spent years creating some of the best classic rock with the Byrds and rock supergroup, Crosby Stills Nash. While his mustache and 'southern cross' are great compliments, some of Crosby's off-stage tribulations supplement his mustache best. In addition to standard drug-possession charges which inevitably follow rockers, Crosby spent 11 months in Texas prisons where his mustache was said to have been unwillingly exposed to an onslaught of convicts' rectums and ballbags. Adding to his criminal record were numerous offenses of drunk driving (one of which lead to a hit and run accident. the other a collision with a fence in a California suburb where officers found him in possession of -- you guessed it, a .45 caliber pistol and an ounce of tweed.)

As if his mustaches' criminal record werent enough to win him a reality show, Crosby also impregnated fellow Rock Goddess and lesbian, Melissa Etheridge, via artificial insemination. It was rumored that Melissa lobbied for his penis yet cooler heads prevailed and Crosby merely donated his sperm, and with it, superior mustache genetics.

Turkey Trot 2009

While the event was more than a week ago, I have been too emotionally and physically vulnerable to document this moment in mustache history. Prior to Turkey Trot 2009 my only experience with running has been with diarrhea and the photo finishes to relinquish my bowels after a long night of drinking with stuart. But after growing my stache, it helped me persevere in a manner unrivaled in all my life. With the help from my mustache I was able to run a half marathon prior to consuming copious amounts of turkey and yams just hours later. Well, maybe not a half marathon -- but it was two of the most brutal miles Ive experienced in my life.

Did I nearly collapse? Yes. Did I shit my pants? Yes. But neither of which can be considered the mustaches fault. In fact, if it weren't for this sweet duster I might never've reached the starting line.

Holiday Mustache Challenge Update

Clark Gable

 

This is the mustache your grandmother dreamed of riding as a young woman.

Holiday Mustache

The holiday cheer is really spreading now, as Julio Bigote could not resist the urge to tell the world about his great holiday stache. Since growing this masculine specimen Julio is undefeated in the log rolling competition at the Lumberjack World Championship Games. And we all know how the ladies flock to a world champion log roller.

Holiday Mustache

Holiday mustaches are contagious, and it looks like Duster is fully embracing his upper lip symptoms. Not only was this mustache Gurt Lamberstein's roommate in college, but Duster is a 3 time defending competitive drinking champion. This sweet lip sweater also gives soccer lessons on the side to single ladies to pay for the expensive grooming products it takes to keep it looking so stunning. Great Job Duster!

Einstein

Most of you know Albert Einstein for his advances in physics, but the majority of people don't know his mustache was also irresistible to women, it was so appealing in fact that his own cousin could not resist the temptation. After years of begging and pleading at annual family reunions Albert finally gave in and let his cousin, Elsa, ride his world famous lip locks. Elsa found the mustache ride so intoxicating that she later persuaded Albert to marry her, so she could have a lifetime of cousin on cousin mustache riding action. Elsa rode Einstein's mustache so frequently that she died of kidney complications caused by too much pelvis on lip grinding.