President William Howard Taft

President Taft was the first president to be provided with full time 24 hour Secret Service security. The additional protection was furnished strictly for the safety and well being of the President's mustache. In fact Taft's Vice President James Sherman's sole job was mustache quality control, ensuring Taft's nose neighbor was always neatly trimmed, perfectly combed, and most importantly free of cookies crumbs, because President Taft had an incurable obsession with peanut butter and coconut cookies.

Mustache Expedition

It is a little known fact that in 1804 Thomas Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark west to explore and document the exotic mustaches of the unknown Native Americans west of the Mississippi, and he experienced severe depression when they came back 3 years later only to report that 99.9% of the western natives were genetically unable to cultivate lip sweaters, and throughout their entire journey they were only able to record and archive this one specimen.

George H.W. Bush

The saddest story in mustache history is the mustache that H.W. couldn't grow. It marred his life by making him a manic depressive alcoholic, and robbed him of the place in history he should have had as a heroic World War II pilot.