Great Mustache Quotes

"Since 99.362% of women love mustache rides, it seems only a fool would have a bare upper lip." - Albert Einstein

President William Howard Taft

President Taft was the first president to be provided with full time 24 hour Secret Service security. The additional protection was furnished strictly for the safety and well being of the President's mustache. In fact Taft's Vice President James Sherman's sole job was mustache quality control, ensuring Taft's nose neighbor was always neatly trimmed, perfectly combed, and most importantly free of cookies crumbs, because President Taft had an incurable obsession with peanut butter and coconut cookies.

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery were on the fast track to rock n roll stardom, opening up for Ted Nugent's 1973 world tour, and giving ladies of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions international mustache rides. They were living the life a bare lipped man could only dream of, then suddenly after 37 straight hours in a Hungarian opium den, the stupid Turds let some overly eager female fans vandalize their upper lips with a razor. Within minutes of the upper lip offense Hungarian police kicked in the door of the opium den, and took the Turds directly to prison, where the have been held for over 38 years without so much as a single phone call to their loved ones.

The Flag Raising Photo

Did you know that the iconic World War II flag raising on Iwo Jima photo was taken by a mustache? Joe Rosenthal and his lip rug shot the historic image on February 23rd 1945, and when you think about it, it seems obvious that only a mustache would be capable of taking the legendary Pulitzer Prize winning photograph.

Carl Ibsen

Carl and his mustache spent 17 years running meth for a ruthless biker gang, before he got sick of the long hours, and days on end with out sleep, so on September 22nd 1987 he told the gang to fuck off and got into the poodle breeding business. Then late one night while Carl's mustache was getting it's beauty rest the group stole all of Carl's prize poodles. To get revenge Carl got online and earned his criminal justice degree in just 3 hours. Soon afterward Ibsen's lip rug was elected sheriff of Misoula Wyoming, by amazingly getting every single female vote in the county. He immediately busted the biker gang on drug charges and sent them straight to prison were they are sodomized daily by rival prison gangs.

On This Day In Mustache History

On August 8, 1987 Milwaukee Brewers slugger Rob Deer was battling a nasty hangover after a long night of celebrating a multiple home run game the day before, and decided to forgo proper mustache grooming for just one day, well he was slapped with a healthy dose of karma right in the upper lip, as he struck out 5 times against the Chicago White Sox.

On This Day In Mustache History

On July, 25th 1984 Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to ever preform a space walk. She celebrated the historic feat by returning to the Mother Land, slamming a bottle of vodka, and riding the bushiest mustache in Siberia.

D-Day Mustache

It was on this day, June the 6th 1944, Private James O'Connor and his alpha mustache stormed the beaches of Normandy to kick the racist Nazi's right in their dick holes, and after Jim and his lip sweater conquered the German's soul's, they stood high atop Omaha Beach, knee deep in their enemy's blood, and proclaimed that "the mustache is greater than racism."

Handlebar Mustache History

It is widely recognized that the handlebar mustache was popularized by the upper lip pioneer Captain Henry Morgan in the 1660's. History says he grew the masculine lip sweater to intimidate the captains and seduce any female slaves on the merchant ships he was pillaging. It is also said that he always kept a hive of bees on board his ships to have and endless supply of bee's wax for his mustache grooming and honey to sweeten his famous spiced rum.

Mustache Expedition

It is a little known fact that in 1804 Thomas Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark west to explore and document the exotic mustaches of the unknown Native Americans west of the Mississippi, and he experienced severe depression when they came back 3 years later only to report that 99.9% of the western natives were genetically unable to cultivate lip sweaters, and throughout their entire journey they were only able to record and archive this one specimen.

Marlin Briscoe

On October 6th 1968 Marlin Briscoe became the first African-American starting quarterback in NFL history, he threw for 14 touchdowns that year, which is still a Denver Bronco's rookie record. Marlin enjoyed a productive football career until he foolishly shaved his upper lip in 1976. Almost instantly Briscoe was run out of the NFL, became addicted to crack cocaine, and landed in prison, where he was raped daily by a group of gay white supremacists.  

Billy Dee Williams

In the late 70's and early 80's things were going perfect for Billy, he had a glorious mustache, he was making Star-Wars films, selling malt liquor, and banging strippers daily (despite being married), that is until he started to hang-out with the wrong crowd, you know, those bare lipped types. Before he knew it Billy and his bare lip were divorced and in prison for giving Colt 45 to under age girls, where he now gets raw dogged in the shower every morning because "he's that bitch from Star-Wars."

Vulva Smashing Literary Mustache

John Steinbeck grew up in a California frontier town. Where his mustache spent the summers working local ranches, and his summer nights fucking farmer's daughters, before he caught a 20 gauge slug to his left kidney from an unhappy father, and was bed ridden for an entire summer. For therapeutic reasons he put pen to paper, and the rest is history.

George H.W. Bush

The saddest story in mustache history is the mustache that H.W. couldn't grow. It marred his life by making him a manic depressive alcoholic, and robbed him of the place in history he should have had as a heroic World War II pilot.

My Mustache Saved My Life

Rob Eckert grew up in Northwestern Idaho with an alcoholic Lumberjack father, and a chain smoking mother. As a young man Rob and his mustache learned the tricks of the logging trade before they were drafted and did 3 tours in Vietnam. During his last week in Nam Rob wondered away from his base in search of some of the killer marijuana that grows wild in the mountains of Vietnam. On his journey Rob clipped a land mine, and lost 8 toes. Unable to walk, Rob lie on the jungle floor for 3 days, surviving only on the water that collected on his lip sweater from the morning dew, before he was found.

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan the first mustache in history to give over 200,000 women a mustache ride, but definitely not the last.

Tupac Shakur

Most people know Tupac and his mustache dominated the 90's gansta rap scene, smoking Newport cigarettes, taking bullets, and spitting mad rhymes, but it is not so common knowledge that just days before Tupac was gunned down in Las Vegas he traded in his trademark mustache for the trendy goatee, and we all know how that worked out for him.

The Evolution Of One Man's Upper Lip

Dr. Martin Scalzberg, French history professor, big game hunter, organic mustache wax purist, and mustache enthusiast since 1984.

Gandhi

Gandhi's nose neighbor was the spiritual leader of India during the Indian independence movement, and is the pioneer of non-violent resistance which inspired civil rights movements all across the world. Gandhi's lip sweater also monopolized all the decent smelling women in South India, which didn't sit well with some bare lipped men in the region, and as a result got Gandhi assassinated.

Kurt Rambis

Most people assume that Magic Johnson got the most pussy in the NBA during the 80's because of his famous run-in with that pesky HIV, but teammate Kurt Rambis actually pulled almost twice the tail from 1980 to 1995. Rambis made it through his entire 16 year basketball career without ever using a condom and never once contracted an STD strictly because of the protection provided by his nose neighbor.