Great Mustache Quotes

"Since 99.362% of women love mustache rides, it seems only a fool would have a bare upper lip." - Albert Einstein

Jeremy Lin

By now everyone on earth has heard about Linsanity, but not everyone knows the reason behind Jeremy Lin's success. It's not hard work, determination, or his ability to overcome stereotypes, no the real reason behind Linsanity is New York Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni's mustache and his dedication to the upper lip movement. After all D'Antoni has been faithfully growing his nose neighbor since before the shot clock era.

Never Trust A Bare Lipped man

It is a well known scientifically proven fact that you cannot trust a man who would willingly desecrate his upper lip with a razor, but it is of the utmost importance that you never let these lesser men date your sister, watch your dog while you are out of town, and under no circumstances can a naked lipped individual be trusted to take the mound and pitch for your C-League softball team.

Mustache Fact

Although is has been scientifically proven that a mustache will increase your bench press by 32%, and improve your chances with the opposite sex by 67%, a mustache cannot cure halitosis. I recently learned this truth the hard way on a 4 hour flight from Charlotte to Phoenix, and the gentlemen seated to my left was polite as can be, but suffered from chronic bad breath. I believe he was well aware of his condition and in an attempt to cure his condition, he grew a bushy mustache to act as a type of upper lip breath filter, but I must reiterate that this trick, although, clever and plausible, does not work, and will likely do permanent damage to your upper lip follicles.

Amazing Mustache fact

Only a mustache can fly through a desert monsoon at 80 miles per hour in a Jeep.

Mustache Expedition

It is a little known fact that in 1804 Thomas Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark west to explore and document the exotic mustaches of the unknown Native Americans west of the Mississippi, and he experienced severe depression when they came back 3 years later only to report that 99.9% of the western natives were genetically unable to cultivate lip sweaters, and throughout their entire journey they were only able to record and archive this one specimen.

Lloyd 'Cupcake' Woodard

Cupcake is not only an undefeated mixed martial arts prospect with hands of steel, but he is also the keeper of a free range mustache, and even though it is a proven scientific fact that a well groomed mustache improves your take down defense by 40%, and your hand speed by 22%, Lloyd says he simply grows the impressive specimen because "chicks can't keep their hands off of it."

Mustache Fact

In the 1890's celibate catholic priests in Italy were forbidden from wearing mustaches, because they were seen as symbols of sexual prowess.