Friday, July 30, 2010
My long time friend Johnny recently moved to Portland, and called me a couple weeks ago to complain that he was having trouble meeting new people and was sick of sitting at home by himself listening to Jean-Baptiste Sully on Friday nights. So I gave him the same advice I give to everyone, grow a mustache. Then last Saturday at 2 in the morning I woke up to my phone ringing, I reluctantly answered, and it was Johnny calling me to thank me for the great advice. He said after growing the mustache he had the confidence to go down to his local brew pub to catch a Slaid Cleaves show. When the door man saw Johnny's mustache he let him in for free, once inside the show a cute brunette approached him and bought him a Blue Moon, then another, and another, and another. Next thing he knew they were back at her place and she was sitting on his mustache spinning in circles talking about love and marriage. Johnny said he just had to call and tell me that he didn't know how a few whiskers could change a man's life, but he is now a believer.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Most people assume that Magic Johnson got the most pussy in the NBA during the 80's because of his famous run-in with that pesky HIV, but teammate Kurt Rambis actually pulled almost twice the tail from 1980 to 1995. Rambis made it through his entire 16 year basketball career without ever using a condom and never once contracted an STD strictly because of the protection provided by his nose neighbor.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Yesterday was my friend Tony's birthday, so a few of us guys had plans to meet at our local watering hole, and much to our surprise Tony showed up with a brand spankin' new mustache, which was a hit with the ladies, obviously.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Unfortunately like all great things the power of a mustache can sometimes go to a man's head. I don't want to get into how many people have died by the whiskers of an upper lip, I just want this to be a warning that a mustache must be worn responsibly.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Matt has a degree in computer science from ASU, his own house, a 70" plasma with surround sound, an almost new Mercedes ML320 , and a steady job at Intel. The only thing Matt didn't have was a women to share it all with. So about 9 months ago Matt ran me down when he saw me in my front yard watering my lantanas, and asked for a little advice. I told him there was only one thing he could do, and that was to grow a mustache. I didn't see Matt again until last night when he ran me down in my front yard, and with a prideful mustache handed me an invitation to his wedding.
Friday, July 16, 2010
It looks like Minnesota Twin Nick Punto is sick of teammates Carl Pavano and Joe Mauer's mustaches monopolizing all the fat bitches in Minnesota, so he has started to grow his own sub-nasal fur coat, and is ready and willing to scoop up his mustache pioneer teammates sloppy seconds.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Justin and his lip sweater are a fixture on the streets of San Tan Valley selling homemade trout jerky and used hub caps out of the trunk of his 1987 Oldsmobile Celebrity, when this nose neighbor isn't putting food on the table, he is doing his community a service by providing free mustache rides to paragliding accident widows.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
You probably remember Buttersworth as The Mustache Revival Holiday Mustache Challenge 2009 winner, but now his upper lip follicles have gone freestyle, and the ladies are going crazy. He said his new mustache got him a raise at work, three hand jobs from the Asian lady on the bus, and 7 lbs of free pollo asado from the girl who works at his neighborhood carniceria. When Buttersworth and his mustache aren't doing volunteer work at the boys & girls club, or helping old ladies save their kittens from trees they are busy seducing soccer moms and Civil War enthusiasts alike with his incredible specimen.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Not only was Vincent famous for his roles in numerous horror films, but he was also a real life freak, who found pleasure in providing morbidly obese women with mustache rides. Vincent said he loved the flavor left behind in his mustache from the sweat of a fat roll. Due to his love for large women Vincent had at least 3 facial reconstructive surgeries during his lifetime. Doctors warned Vincent after his last surgery that they wouldn't be able to help him anymore because of the severe amount of facial scar tissue, and against doctors orders on October 25th 1993 Vincent's maxilla bones gave away one last time and his life was tragically cut short with a 400 pounder on his upper lip.
Vincent Price's nirvana.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
You probably recognize Danny from such movies as Spy Kids, Bubble Boy, or as the bartender in Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy, but most people don't know that Danny's mustache was the lightweight and welterweight boxing champion of the California State Prison System while serving time at San Quentin, granting him the right to fuck any dude he wanted in the showers.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Mustache fever is still spreading around my subdivision as Brian ( the guy who walks his dog down my street) has caught the bug, and he is now sporting this lovely hipster specimen, which he usually accessorizes with a cheap cigarette and a trashy anorexic girl.