Fashionable and Functional

Foremost, I need to apologize for the picture quality, but it was taken with my phone after I had been drinking pints in the hot desert sun all day, and the picture doesn't do justice to the energy that radiates off this thing. Not only not does this amazing specimen get him laid despite morbid obesity, but it is also serves as a "tooth wig" completely concealing the fact that he is missing a front tooth. Ladies!

Crazy Cat Lady Loves Mustache Rides (and beef jerky)

So, there is a creepy eccentric old widow that lives at the end of my block, you know the type that puts out way too many decorations for every holiday, and has about 8 cats. Well, one day last week my brother in-law was over helping me trim my palm trees, when one of Mrs. Litterbox's cats fell down the storm drain on my street, without hesitation my brother's mustache jumped into action and retrieved the scared little kitten from it's underground prison. Cat lady was so thankful that she insisted she somehow pay my brother in-law back. After some coercion, she managed to get him insider her house, which he reported was stocked full of cat food and beef jerky, and smelled of week old cat shit. Once inside she told him she just couldn't resist a heroic mustache and threw herself at him. With a few moves that would make Kobe Bryant proud, he was able to make it out of cat hell unscathed, but now every time he drives by her house she points to her upper lip, and thrusts her pelvis vigorously, just to let him know that some day she will get that elusive mustache ride.

Monster Jam

Since I do consider myself some what of a sub-nasal aficionado, I was startled to discover something that now seems obvious, mustaches are huge on the monster truck circuit! My lazy ass was sitting on the couch, flipping through the television channels, trying to determine exactly how many mini marshmallows I could fit in my mouth simultaneously, when I came across Monster Jam. There wasn't just 1 or 2 monster truck drivers with lip sweaters, but an amazing 13 out of 16 drivers last night were sporting mustaches. And the stadium was packed, mostly with trailer park adolescents, and half mutant hillbilly skank's, pounding Budweiser's and sucking down Winston's while begging for adrenaline induced mustache rides, I couldn't even imagine if those sluts were full mutants, like Michael Moore, I bet he could fit thousands of mini marshmallows in his giant mutant gullet. Anyway, needless to say, the next time Monster Jam comes to Phoenix, I will be all over that scene.