Tuesday, May 31, 2011

God Loves Arkansas

I recently came across the website arkansassports360.com because the have an article asking "Are Mustaches The Key To Arkansas' SEC West Baseball Title?" And I think the answer is obvious, not only because of the unmistakable power a mustache holds, but because Arkansas is not known for producing top athletes. The only things Arkansas consistently produces are amazing mullets, cheap moonshine, and public disturbances at Silver Dollar City (my wife has family in Branson, I have been to Silver Dollar City, and it is no place for small children, trust me).

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Handlebar Mustache History

It is widely recognized that the handlebar mustache was popularized by the upper lip pioneer Captain Henry Morgan in the 1660's. History says he grew the masculine lip sweater to intimidate the captains and seduce any female slaves on the merchant ships he was pillaging. It is also said that he always kept a hive of bees on board his ships to have and endless supply of bee's wax for his mustache grooming and honey to sweeten his famous spiced rum.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rudy Cantfeld

Rudy's lip rug is not only the drummer of Romania's most celebrated Clash cover band 'White Riot', but he also makes his own organic mustache waxes set to hit the market this July, and he specializes in Malaysian mustaches rides making him an all around lip curtain connoisseur.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Mustache Expedition

It is a little known fact that in 1804 Thomas Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark west to explore and document the exotic mustaches of the unknown Native Americans west of the Mississippi, and he experienced severe depression when they came back 3 years later only to report that 99.9% of the western natives were genetically unable to cultivate lip sweaters, and throughout their entire journey they were only able to record and archive this one specimen.

Hot Chicks In Mustaches Friday

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Chris: Mustache Money Maker

Just 6 months ago Chris was a lowly tattoo apprentice relegated to mopping up blood off the tattoo parlor floor, until he took up piercing and invented the mustache septum and belly button rings (he is shown here modeling both himself instead of a smoking hot chick for some reason), and now he is the shops top producer averaging 17 piercings and 9 mustache rides a day.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mustache Q&A

I recently received an email from a cereal lover who is growing his first mustache inquiring if there were any mustache/cereal rules or etiquette.
While the short answer is no, there is no rule set in stone saying a mustached individual cannot enjoy any particular food, you must remember that certain foods must be approached with extreme caution. Some mustache purists swear that warm cereals such as oatmeal and cream of wheat should be avoided at all costs, but my opinion is that lip sweaters and cereals can live together in perfect harmony, in fact every morning I eat a bowl of Cheerios and a banana, and I don't want to talk about how vulnerable I look with a banana going into my mustache, so this conversation is over.

Hot Chicks In Mustaches Friday