Randy Nelson

 

 

 

This in the new match.com profile picture of my good friend Randy, who is rocking a super fresh lip rug.  About 7 months ago Randy went through a nasty divorce (and by nasty I mean his ex-wife's vagina), and was feeling lonely, so on the advice of a friend he signed up for match.com.  After a couple months Randy was extremely frustrated with the dating site, stating "I am only meeting Christian chicks who don't put out," so I suggested the obvious to him, GROW A MUSTACHE. Since growing a masculine 'stache 4 weeks ago, Randy has said it's been the best month of his life, he got a free burrito from the upper lip obsessed girl working the counter at King Taco, his car is getting better gas mileage, and he got his first hand job since he was 16 (in a public bathroom no less). This my friends is just one of many mustache success stories. 

Great Mustache Quotes

"Fat chicks say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, because real ladies know, the way to a man's heart is by riding his upper lip."  - Jennifer Seith

Great Mustache Quotes

"Never point a loaded mustache at a woman you don't intend to thrill." - Sean Chandler

Great Mustache Quotes

"Since 99.362% of women love mustache rides, it seems only a fool would have a bare upper lip." - Albert Einstein

Friendly Reminder

Although it is common knowledge that a mustache helps prevent chapped lips, it cannot overcome this horrendous medical condition on it's own. Proper lip care is tantamount to good mustache grooming, because of all the extra attention a mustache brings to your lip area. The first thought that goes threw 9 out of 10 women's minds when they first catch a glimpse of a masculine mustache is "I wounder if I could ride that thing for 8 seconds," and keep it that way, instead of having that group of vixens you occasionally see at the liquor store snicker about your hairy alligator lips.

Never Trust A Bare Lipped man

It is a well known scientifically proven fact that you cannot trust a man who would willingly desecrate his upper lip with a razor, but it is of the utmost importance that you never let these lesser men date your sister, watch your dog while you are out of town, and under no circumstances can a naked lipped individual be trusted to take the mound and pitch for your C-League softball team.

Mustache Journey

I recently returned from a two week sacred retreat deep in the San Juan mountains with spiritual advisor Kapoor Patel to revitalize mind, spirit, and upper lip. He taught that the true essence of the mustache comes from deep within, and no matter the conditioner, wax, or grooming techniques a mustache will not prosper unless it comes from the soul. He also reiterated that a mustache is not a fashion statement, or a tool used to pull tail, but it is a life-style.

Mustache Q&A

I recently received an email from a cereal lover who is growing his first mustache inquiring if there were any mustache/cereal rules or etiquette.
While the short answer is no, there is no rule set in stone saying a mustached individual cannot enjoy any particular food, you must remember that certain foods must be approached with extreme caution. Some mustache purists swear that warm cereals such as oatmeal and cream of wheat should be avoided at all costs, but my opinion is that lip sweaters and cereals can live together in perfect harmony, in fact every morning I eat a bowl of Cheerios and a banana, and I don't want to talk about how vulnerable I look with a banana going into my mustache, so this conversation is over.

Mustache Q&A

I recently received an email from a faithful Mustache Revival reader, who wished to remain anonymous, about his upper lip dilemma, he wrote...

Mustache Revival,
I recently grew a new mustache for Movember, and even though I am enjoying my new lifestyle, my girlfriend told me she prefers my mustache with the full goatee. Although I prefer just the mustache, I need to keep her happy, and I just have to know if the mustache goatee combination is acceptable?
Thanks,
Troubled in Toronto.

Toronto,
According the 'The Mustache Code of Conduct Handbook,' the mustache goatee combo is in direct violation of rule number 263. Plus what about the goatee does your girlfriend find attractive? It sounds like she is still living in 1998, listening to Limp Bizkit and wearing those boot cut jeans that are faded and already have rips and tears in them when you buy them. If she can't appreciate or respect your mustache for what it is, then I suggest that you wax up your nose neighbor and head on down to your local brew pub to find the girl of your dreams that will recognize what your upper lip sweater is, which is a badge of honor representing all things masculine and tough. A mustache always provides for his family by putting food on the table and spending quality time with the one's it loves, a mustache never forgets an anniversary or child's birthday, and will defend it's honor to the death. So in other words no.