Marlin Briscoe

On October 6th 1968 Marlin Briscoe became the first African-American starting quarterback in NFL history, he threw for 14 touchdowns that year, which is still a Denver Bronco's rookie record. Marlin enjoyed a productive football career until he foolishly shaved his upper lip in 1976. Almost instantly Briscoe was run out of the NFL, became addicted to crack cocaine, and landed in prison, where he was raped daily by a group of gay white supremacists.  

Rodrigo The Lady Killer

Rodrigo and his mustache spent the 70's selling cheap cocaine, disco dancing, and most likely fucking your mother.

Michael Irvin

Michael Irvin has put this mustache through years of neglect and punishment, but his faithful nose neighbor has never let him down. Irvin started the mistreatment back in 1996 with a cocaine possession arrest, then again later in 1996 with a sexual assault allegation. They headed back to jail in 1998 for battery and assault on former team mate Everrett McIver. Irvin and his mustache some how managed to stay out of the slammer until 2005, when he was busted for possession of a crack pipe, marijuana, and plastic bags, and finally Michael and his lip sweater were behind bars for the last time in 2007 with another sexual assault allegation that was settled out of court by Irvin for a supposed 6 figure pay-off. Despite all these set backs Irvin's mustache has managed to keep his marriage intact, got him into the NFL hall of fame, and got him a cozy on camera gig at the NFL Network.

BCSO: Cocaine falls from man's mustache

BCSO: Cocaine falls from man's mustache:

ALBUQUERQUE (KRQE) - Deputies say the mustache of an Albuquerque man was white with cocaine during his arrest last Wednesday. Anthony Moya, 41, appeared in court Saturday on his fourth DWI charge. On Dec. 23, Bernalillo County Sheriff's Deputies responded to the call of a woman screaming for help on the 3300 block of Cypress SW. Upon arrival, deputies found the woman and Moya inside his pickup truck. Moya had cocaine powder falling from his mustache and admitted he had recently had a few beers, according to the criminal complaint. He is out on bond. Moya is charged with drug possession, aggravated DWI and tampering with evidence."

Eric Clapton

Legend has it that more blow has passed through these whiskers than any other mustache in history. Multiple reports have come out from women stating that when they rode Clapton's mustache their entire torso went numb from the coke residue in the stache. Inside sources also claim that Clapton was so zooted when he wrote "Layla" that the song was originally 17 verses and clocked in at over 44 minutes, and he wrote the song in 45 minutes, with the extra minute being a 1 minute break to pound down a few lines of sweet booger sugar. Obviously Clapton is not suffering any health problems associated with long term drug abuse because of his mustache, even thought he frequently used cocaine in the '70s, '80s, '90s, and probably even this morning.

Frank Beard

Frank Beard is commonly known as 'the other guy in ZZ Top,' and ironically enough he is the only member of the band without a ridiculous beard. For the other two members of ZZ Top the beards were a great gimmick and got the band noticed, but Frank knew if he really wanted to slay some out of control 80's bush, a mustache would be much more effective than a stupid chest length beard. Even today that sweet stache is paying dividends, as his band mates spend a good portion of their nights cleaning bbq sauce and chili out of their outrageous beards, leaving Frank plenty of time to seal the deal with their smokin' hot groupies. In his pre-mustache days Frank sang back-up vocals in ZZ Top, but one night soon after growing his patch of lip pubes, and after 4 bottles of Jack Daniels and 7 grams of cocaine, Frank was feeling invincible and invited a 300+ pounder to enjoy a mustache ride. Three minutes later Frank was being rushed to the emergency room with a crushed larynx and his singing career was over.