Randy Nelson

 

 

 

This in the new match.com profile picture of my good friend Randy, who is rocking a super fresh lip rug.  About 7 months ago Randy went through a nasty divorce (and by nasty I mean his ex-wife's vagina), and was feeling lonely, so on the advice of a friend he signed up for match.com.  After a couple months Randy was extremely frustrated with the dating site, stating "I am only meeting Christian chicks who don't put out," so I suggested the obvious to him, GROW A MUSTACHE. Since growing a masculine 'stache 4 weeks ago, Randy has said it's been the best month of his life, he got a free burrito from the upper lip obsessed girl working the counter at King Taco, his car is getting better gas mileage, and he got his first hand job since he was 16 (in a public bathroom no less). This my friends is just one of many mustache success stories. 

Great Mustache Quotes

"Fat chicks say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, because real ladies know, the way to a man's heart is by riding his upper lip."  - Jennifer Seith

Great Mustache Quotes

"Never point a loaded mustache at a woman you don't intend to thrill." - Sean Chandler

Mustache Signs $28 Million Contract

Last season Texas Rangers pitcher Derek Holland's career was in a slump, starting the season 6-4 with a 5.10 ERA. To turn things around Derek tried several things like changing his warm up routine, not washing his not so lucky jock strap, and even giving up internet porn, but nothing could help Derek turn the corner out of his terrible slump, so as one last effort to save his career Derek decided to grow a tried and true lip rug. After setting his upper lip free from the tyranny of a razor, Derek finished the season 10-1 with a 2.77 ERA, and was awarded a $28 million contract yesterday because of it.

Baron Von Gaerhart

Baron was the bastard son of Father McCauley damned to a life void of a father figure, so at a young age he was forced to use his entrepreneurial skills selling snake oil to nervous customers outside the local whore house. Business was so good, by the age of 11, he had enough loot to open his own barber shop, where Baron and his impeccable grooming became pioneers in early mustache cleaning and brushing techniques.

Mustache Journey

I recently returned from a two week sacred retreat deep in the San Juan mountains with spiritual advisor Kapoor Patel to revitalize mind, spirit, and upper lip. He taught that the true essence of the mustache comes from deep within, and no matter the conditioner, wax, or grooming techniques a mustache will not prosper unless it comes from the soul. He also reiterated that a mustache is not a fashion statement, or a tool used to pull tail, but it is a life-style.

Wayne Kelly

Wayne Kelly has been diligently growing his first mustache, and he sent me this photograph to document his journey. He said thus far the mustache lifestyle is working better than any male enhancement could, because he no longer gets mean mugged by other guys at the gym, and yesterday the lady behind the counter at his neighborhood Lebanese restaurant gave him an extra glass of arak absolutely free.

Mickey Norris

Mickey wasn't always a confident man, if fact he had a lonely childhood constantly battling obesity, and video game addition with few friends to call his own, but that all changed on his eighteenth birthday at 'The Leopard Room' gentleman's club, during a fateful lap dance a stripper looked into his sorrowful eyes, suggested Mickey grow a mustache to help his self esteem, and the rest is history. Mickey is now at the forefront of the mustache lifestyle traveling the globe conducting seminars on progressive mustache grooming techniques at facial hair conventions.

Mustache Predicament

My brother-in-law, who just graduated college, told me with the economy the way it is, he was having trouble finding a job, and he figured a mustache would give him a leg up on the competition. So, he asked me if growing a mustache to look more mature during job interviews was a good idea. I told him growing a mustache strictly for job  interviews could back fire, because a man needs to know and embrace the mustache lifestyle before he starts his upper lip journey, and unless he is ready for lots of free cocktails and tons of middle-aged women hitting on him constantly, then I suggested that wearing glasses should suffice in making him look mature during interviews.