President William Howard Taft

President Taft was the first president to be provided with full time 24 hour Secret Service security. The additional protection was furnished strictly for the safety and well being of the President's mustache. In fact Taft's Vice President James Sherman's sole job was mustache quality control, ensuring Taft's nose neighbor was always neatly trimmed, perfectly combed, and most importantly free of cookies crumbs, because President Taft had an incurable obsession with peanut butter and coconut cookies.

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery

John Krautheim & The Turds of Misery were on the fast track to rock n roll stardom, opening up for Ted Nugent's 1973 world tour, and giving ladies of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions international mustache rides. They were living the life a bare lipped man could only dream of, then suddenly after 37 straight hours in a Hungarian opium den, the stupid Turds let some overly eager female fans vandalize their upper lips with a razor. Within minutes of the upper lip offense Hungarian police kicked in the door of the opium den, and took the Turds directly to prison, where the have been held for over 38 years without so much as a single phone call to their loved ones.

Friendly Reminder

Although it is common knowledge that a mustache helps prevent chapped lips, it cannot overcome this horrendous medical condition on it's own. Proper lip care is tantamount to good mustache grooming, because of all the extra attention a mustache brings to your lip area. The first thought that goes threw 9 out of 10 women's minds when they first catch a glimpse of a masculine mustache is "I wounder if I could ride that thing for 8 seconds," and keep it that way, instead of having that group of vixens you occasionally see at the liquor store snicker about your hairy alligator lips.

Jeremy Lin

By now everyone on earth has heard about Linsanity, but not everyone knows the reason behind Jeremy Lin's success. It's not hard work, determination, or his ability to overcome stereotypes, no the real reason behind Linsanity is New York Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni's mustache and his dedication to the upper lip movement. After all D'Antoni has been faithfully growing his nose neighbor since before the shot clock era.

Happy Valentine's Day

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The Flag Raising Photo

Did you know that the iconic World War II flag raising on Iwo Jima photo was taken by a mustache? Joe Rosenthal and his lip rug shot the historic image on February 23rd 1945, and when you think about it, it seems obvious that only a mustache would be capable of taking the legendary Pulitzer Prize winning photograph.

Never Trust A Bare Lipped man

It is a well known scientifically proven fact that you cannot trust a man who would willingly desecrate his upper lip with a razor, but it is of the utmost importance that you never let these lesser men date your sister, watch your dog while you are out of town, and under no circumstances can a naked lipped individual be trusted to take the mound and pitch for your C-League softball team.

Michael Cera

It appears actor Micheal Cera was caught Friday in Beverly Hills channeling his inner Clark Gable. When asked by the paparazzi about his new lip rug, Cera quipped, "I'm a famous Hollywood actor, I'm filthy rich, and I still can't seal the deal with the ladies, so I took the next logical step, and grew a mustache to get me some tail."

On This Day In Mustache History

On February 2nd, 1870 Mark Twain and Olivia Langdon were wed, and after courageously resisting a mustache ride for their entire 2 year courtship, Olivia was finally able to hop aboard Mark's masculine upper lip saddle, and she religiously rode his mustache everyday until her death in 1904.